broken hearted

So, my favorite student is having heart surgery today, she is having a defib. put in so that her heart will work properly in spite of the deformities and conditions. Yay! But as part of the procedure, once the defib. is installed, they have to actually stop her heart to ensure that it is working. She will literally be dead for a matter of moments and this is so scary! Yesterday she was sitting in my office writing a poem to her mom which she does before every procedure and as she read the poem to me, she is talking about "when I am gone" and "be happy things happened this way" I questioned her wanting to stress her mother out even more, and her response is that I always do this. I always let her know that no matter what, I love her and no matter the outcome I am okay and happy with my life. Such wisdom for such a young person.

So, today as I am coordinating about 5 different get well cards for her and getting a gift bag full of time consuming things together for her, the verse that came to me is from Psalm 34. It says:

18 "The Lord is close to the broken hearted, and saves
those who are crushed in spirit."

This student has been more and more restricted as her condition has worsened and yet she always has brave face on. She tries very hard to put on her happy face, and not let anyone know that inside her spirit is crushed, and her ambitions are being trampled on. It is so comforting to know that through all of this, God is with her, he has pulled her close and will continue to save her no matter the outcome, no matter the circumstances. Our God is so great, he can overcome all obstacles and give us the hope that we let slip away. There is noting like a close hug from our father to block out all the bad around. I will be sharing this verse with her and reminding her that even though her heart may be literally broken, God is and will always step in and take over.

Confidence

So at least once a week my confidence is shaken. I have been trained to exude confidence no matter the situation, no matter the circumstances, I am to remain confident, calm, collected. I am not supposed to cave under pressure, I am not to let outside distractions shake me... well, I do! I constantly feel the laser beams of parent's eyes on my every move. I worry all the time that I am letting someone down, that I am a disappointment, that I am not doing things up to someone else's standards. I let other people's opinions of who I am, how I do things, even what I am doing to a point determine how/what I perform.
I imagine that in the old testament the Jews constantly felt the same pressure from God. Was what they were doing pleasing to God, are they doing it right, what if they mess up... will they burn in hell forever??? I know, since I have days now where I want to hide in a cave, if I were living in those times that I would seriously be afraid to do or say anything... but that would also be wrong. Seriously I would probably have been committed! Did they have padded rooms back then, padded caves maybe... I think there are days I would be better off now if I were in a straight jacket with my mouth taped shut, but then I thank God for loving me enough that he sent his Son to forgive me and wash away my sins. God broke down the barrier between Him and us, giving us a direct line to him. He opinions are the only ones who truly matters, and if we mess up we should be confident that he will forgive us. Paul tells us in Ephesians 3 that

¹²In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.

I am so glad to have a father that loves us so much that no matter what he loves us and forgives us when are wrong. We can go to him with CONFIDENCE and FREEDOM... no matter the situation. No hiding in the background, no worry about 'am I saying this right' no 'what if i do the wrong thing' no fear of being pushed out, stepped over, fired, chastised, complained about to superiors... He is the "SUPERIOR" and he has given and commanded that we bring it to him no matter what! Maybe, just maybe, I won't be needing that straight jacket after all.

hope and a future

okay, okay... so I'm not very good at doing something daily... at least I'm trying! i still can't get this thing to post on my fb page... someone help!

So I have now been in Houston for 2 whole months... and I think I may have found a church. yay for stepping out trusting God to send me where he wanted me! Super excited to see where this takes me. I really just felt it was absolutely right when I show up and everyone tells me that this month is Missions month there. I just love it that no matter what I am feeling or thinking about the future God has it planned out and is constantly reminding me and making me aware that he has called me to missions and to Honduras. In the past 2 months he has caused my path to cross with 5 different people from Honduras, he puts me in places and situations all the time where missions and being a missionary come up, and now this. I love love love how my God knows me so well that he knows exactly what I need exactly when I need it! So today, my verse is a reflection of this... one that I have forever ingrained in my mind. It is the verse painted on the wall at the farm, but more importantly, painted on my heart!

" For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11