Confessions

So God has been trying to remind me that patience, love, and understanding are qualities that we are called to demonstrate... I must confess the past few weeks I have none, have not wanted to even think about having them, and even when I realized I was portraying the ugly side of me with none of them.. my response was I just don't care!

I am now relenting, and begging for forgiveness! See i understand that I am in a trial, I am experiencing warfare being battled for my soul, and ya'll i'm loosing. I have not been praising God for much of anything even though I am truly blessed. I have not been thankful for everything I have been given, for the forgiveness I have received, or for the knowledge I am gaining by going through this valley in the roller coaster of my life. I understand that my pride and the entitlement I believe I should have mean nothing to anyone but me, and that it is because of these things that I am where I am.

I know I could be battling much bigger things such as my friend Lindsey battling cancer, and doing it graciously. I could be battling the loss of a family member, the lack of a job, or so many things that I am truly blesses to have, and yet I for the past 2 weeks have chosen to be a snot. To be upset with a superior at work who's main objective I have decided is to make my life miserable. How selfish am I to think that even his day revolves around me. My life and mood as of late have all been surrounded around the latest conflict, which brought up all the past frustrations that I have swept under the rug, not forgiven and forgotten, not even forgiven, just stored... Does anyone else store grievances? If you do I sooooo encourage you to take that jar and dump it, it is so not worth the bad moods and hatred that eventually cause so much distance from God!

Today while driving to work, I made a promise to myself that I would get my butt back in spiritual shape. This is one of the many steps I am taking to get it there, and while it is a struggle because hatred is so much easier for me than love, but I know that while I alone can not overcome this battle, that God has already won, and when I petition his help we will surely beat down whatever comes my way!!!

frustrated humbling

"No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light."

So today I had a frustrating and humbling experience. I have a friend and co-worker getting married a week from tomorrow, and I had been told MONTHS ago that I could go and my work partner was going to work the softball tournament we are hosting. Well so today he came is saying his wife told him he was going to the wedding, so we would have to figure something out... really...seriously??? I already bought a dress and shoes etc. and was really excited about this wedding... and now a week before I'm told I can't go. Furious was not even close to describing how angry I was... I talked to our Girls Coordinator and she encouraged me to try to compromise and tried to calm me down. I thought and through about it, came back to my office to upon which i got a phone call making sure I was back so he could leave 20 min early for lunch... humm convenient.
So i had a chance to think about about it with him not in the office and came to the conclusion I would just not go to the wedding. I don't want to only go to the reception, nor do I want to attempt to get ready while at work. Further more I know I would just be bitter and angry I had to miss the actual ceremony and would not be joyous nor fun to be around at the reception. I cam back after my lunch and told him this and he just said okay, thanks. Did not even try to talk me into compromising... JERK!
But the I do my daily bible reading today on you version (phone bibles are amazingly great!!!) and while this was not the intended verse, it was included in the passage, and truly humbled me to realize that no matter what I need to be a light. My life needs to reflect God and Jesus' character. The anger and resentment no matter how often it is occuring do not need to be visible, and it is only by suppressing with prayer that I may learn to not have it at all.

trust?!?!?!?!

This week has been a roller coaster of a week, emotions wise! But Praise Jesus for calming my spirit, giving me peace, and providing so much love!

My verse for yesterday was Psalm 27:1

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread? "

And ya'll He really is all those things! I was really worried about work stuff, well worried, frustrated, confused, hurt, you get the picture. I just hate finding things out happening behind your back, and being reaffirmed that you can't trust people you spend most of your day with... it stinks! But God has taken me from a point of almost tears, to peace, understanding, and growth! I just love what he is doing in my life even though it is tough living through it!!!
and I love how God has given me so many wonderful people in my life, even when I was angry he was taking one away from me physically, I have learned that she is still such a part of my life, and I just don't know what I would do if I didn't know her! God for sure has a plan, and I am seeing that more clearly everyday when I just step out and trust. So if your not at that point, and your not relying on him for your strength let me take this time to encourage you to have a little chat with him and try for today to take a step of faith and trust in him, ask him to be a part of your life... I promise you won't regret it.

daily motivation

So many things are going through my head at the moment that I hope I can put a clear point out in this post. :)

Budget bonus: This weekend has been cold, and with a heater that does not work in my apartment the chill was never escaped, but i'm not complaining... my checkbook will absolutely love me when my electric bill arrives. :)

So last week I posted about my daily verse and applying it... I must admit it is much easier to do this when I am living life and at work around people than when I recluse in my apartment over the weekend (short as it is working 6 days a week). Today's verse is another good one and again easy to apply at work :)

"Do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God are above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights int he world, holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I will have reason to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain.

First off I love the word toil.. not sure why, but it just brings a smile to my face.

So no grumbling, complaining, brooding over anything... In ALL things.. really.. ALL humm must work on this. Throw in the no disputing and right there you have cut out half of my words for the day... it made me sad when I realized this little fact, happiness must be infused!!!

Appear as lights... not sound as lights, no words needed, bells and whistles go elsewhere. be a guide by sight only, but don't do it to make yourself better or to advance myself, do it because it is pleasing to God and to the people I am around.

Loving God=loving others=eventually loving myself so yay for improvement and moving forward in all relationships.

keeping my mouth shut!

SO I had a completely different blog post ready for today, but in light of my morning I am changing it. :)

First my verse for today is: Proverbs 10:19 "where there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but He who restrains his lips is wise. "

This so goes with my morning happenings and is allowing me to use it throughout my day! woot I can see application!!!

I must start this by saying, my co-worker and I often have discussions, and we for sure have very different opinions on situations and how to handle them. We just think very differently... which has in the past two years often led to many conflicts. I need to learn to let things go more easily and just learn.

So P pushes our kids to all leave town go to college, and "do something with their life" I made the comment that no everyone needs to or should go away to school. He views all the kids who come home after a semester or don't leave town as failures. If they work at a plant here they are failures... even though they make twice his salary. Now I'm not saying that money makes you successful, but if you are able to take care of your family, are happy, and enjoy your
life does that not make you successful? Often the people who go away to school, can't handle being away, or don't like being away, does that make all of them failures.. No I don't think so. He pushes kids to the point they don't want to talk to him because he is trying to make them do what he thinks they should. I only said something because I have had kids express to me that they wish he would stop. He says if they come home they are failures, if they never leave they are failures, and it is our fault therefor we are failures. -- he walked away thinking he is right and I am wrong and he was done with this convo.

-- He comes back in and sits down telling me about one of our students who is failing a class because she won't get up to go to tutorials to take a test..." Not my problem" I say, "am not going to baby her." He throws his hands up in the air and says quite loudly, "so your not
going to baby them, but you aren't going to push them" --then walks back out

On top of this, anything I do, or anything anyone else comes in our office and says he feels the need to make a comment. He is the type of person that when walks into a room, makes a comment to or about what he sees not thinking about appropriateness, worth, or merit. Drives me CRAZY!!! He talks to him self about things he sees, and makes comments about or repeats what he reads on the computer... people we SHARE an office! In my mind, have some respect for the share part and shut up!

Ok over my rant... so application of the verse... While it would be easy to share this verse with him, and show him he should maybe just be quiet just for a little while, 1. it would not work b/c he would not get it. 2. His views on being a Christian are reserved for Sundays for an hour or two, otherwise no one would know he even had heard of Jesus and salvation, loving one another etc...

But really, I am applying this verse to myself. One by not verbalizing what I just wrote, and 2. more importantly, I know there are times when I speak before I should, or when I shouldn't. We all have had those times when we look back and reflect only to think "man if only I had kept my mouth shut" So from now on, when he irritates me, annoys me, or tries to bait me I am going to think back to this verse and remember it is more Christlike to keep it shut then see who can have the bigger pile of word vomit!

It's not a resolution....

I am learning so many new ideas, thoughts, ways to grow and so this being the new year I have decided to write about a few of these. Some I am trying to implement into my life permanently and some are just whims that will last only a brief moment but either way they are things that even if I do not carry them out maybe someone will; and I'm all about sharing!

Today's new endeavor is one I plan on keeping. I am currently reading a book called "becoming a good Bible-study girl" by Lysa TerKeurst... president of Provers 31 Ministries... If you haven't' heard of her or the 31 girls check it out. So in this book, Lysa suggests breaking down verses, and analyzing each part of it while doing your bible study everyday. While I do not always sit down and read my bible like I should (also on this list of things to do) I do have a verse come to my e-mail on my blackberry everyday. I try to live out these verses on their day and share as I feel compelled.

So My plan is to combine these two ideas and break down each verse of the day. I have a cute pink note card holder and all just for this purpose.

riding again! woo hoo!!!

ok so 2nd day, 2nd bike ride. I have decided I am going to try to do some sort of exercise or work out everyday. This has to happen, Its one of my many things I have been attempting, and failing at. But I am changing how I attack this problem I am seeking God to motivate me vs. me motivating me. Now this is all great for this week while I am still out off of work, the real challenge begins next week... but I am trusting God that I will continue.

So Today while riding I had a God saving experience! God's grace saved me from being attacked by a big scary dog god nipping at my heels... I must remember to bring the pepper spray next time. After realizing how close I came to being attacked, I asked God to continue to watch over me, and keep me safe... every other dog I came across on this little FM road just happened to be either tied up or behind a fence. They still looked and sounded very vicious, but I know God was answering.

These seem like everyday experiences, and in the past not something I would have given God credit for doing. Easily explained away, I passed the Dog's house he was protecting, so he had no reason to continue pursuing me, or most people keep their dogs behind fences, it keeps them safe... but really I called out to God and the dog immediately turned back, I asked for protection and safe travels, He provided. If one dog was loose you know others usually are.

So I am praising Jesus today, for both protecting me and motivating me! He is sooo good!!!