distinct family

Families are odd aren't they? My, I guess he's a, great uncle's (my mom's uncle) memorial was this week as he passed the end of last week. It was something we all knew was coming and were actually surprised he held on as long as he did but it is non the less very sad, but a blessing he is no longer suffering. I wish I could have made it up to be with the rest of the family, but work and lack of funding prevented this. I got to thinking about family dynamics, and realized how odd my family truly is.

A good friend of mine recently went to not one but 2 possibly 3 memorials for her step-grandmothers ( a lady she hasn't spoken to in years) and her whole family was pulled closer together for these events. In my life, I have not attended any family members funerals. Both of my fathers parents are deceased, But I did not even know about his father passing (nor did the rest of my immediate family) for over a month after the fact, so no surprise we didn't attend. His mother passed I am not sure when, as I didn't receive notice about that one either. To say we are not close to that side of the family is an understatement. My fathers brother also passed, prior to his father by a few months and again we had no idea. In fact we found out about them both at the same time. I believe that is all on his side of the family but I could be wrong and not even know about it.
On my mothers side, my uncle died the day I graduated high school, what a way to celebrate! But I could not attend any memorial for that one either. I have had other what I believe to be great uncles and aunts pass on that side of the family, and have not even thought about attending nor has my parents. I am not really sure the reasoning behind why not, but it just proves to me how my family is okay with providing financial support, and prayer support only, and until recently I did not realize there was a problem with that. As I grow, and learn, it has come to my attention that family is so much more that that. I understand we are spread across the country, but all my family can be reached with a day and a 1/2's drive if needed. It has always seemed odd to me that I have never met my 1st cousins (any of the 5) and out of my second cousins I only really know 4, and only truly know 2 of those 4.
It's no wonder that I am so independent. I don't have any model of anything else.

days of beauty

So the past few days have been absolutely gorgeous... until today.. which is a humid crazy yucky day! (good thing I have to work and can't enjoy it anyways) But previously, I have this week enjoyed laying out on my lunch break with Pixie, a nice run in the park with pixie, and yesterday a nice bike ride in the park with pixie... yes my dog goes just about everywhere with me these days and she loves it! I have to admit the bike ride part is the cutest.. she fits in my Camel Back and rides with her head poking out of the top.... occationally barking at whatever we pass.. the ducks, other people, the baseball game, squirels, whatever she sees... it is actually quite amusing.. and everyone (people wise at least) are quite humored by her on my back while riding intensely working on training... Now today I am quite sore.... from my at least 100 crunches a day, Belky has forced me into doing... to the running, and the biking my legs are rebelling a bit... I need to find a pool soon!!! God is truly blessing me on my days off with days of beauty to enjoy and take advantage of and for that I could not be more thankful!

Committments: Over or Under

So it's dawned on me today that I have committed myself to many events that require funding.. and while they are all for a good cause, I may be planning on taxing my friends out... not a good thing. See I have registered first for "the livestrong challenge" which is a bike race (you may have guessed that) in Austin (again) and hosted by Lance Armstrong (yet again) and to participate in this event is $250 minimum. But it's for a good cause right? Ok so Done. Signed up, ready to ride... except I need to be training more or I'm going to die. Well this race isn't until October of 2009 so I have some time to collect.
Then I am answering God's calling and traveling with a group from my church to Honduras this summer. I can absolutely NOT Wait! I have been wanting to go on more missions for a long time, and have been feeling God tug on my heart to go.. and finally He said it is time and has opened the doors. This trip is $1500 Not too bad for a week of getting to do the Lords work and it is so definitely worth it!
Well about a week ago, I received an e-mail from a teacher at the school I work for asking me to be on the school's Relay for Life team. Of course I said yes without hesitation... ohh wait I have to raise money for that too... Oh well I'm committed now! I have a feeling with these three things God will provide first and foremost, I will loose some weight (Praise Jesus!) , and I will be motivated to train a little and work out. After all hiking in the mountains of Honduras, riding in a long bike race, and relay for life which I am setting a personal goal of running a good bit of, well I have got to get started early right.
I just find it so funny, because I have so many friends who are so non-committal it isn't even funny and then there is me, and if it involves doing good for someone else, raising money to help a cause, of funding research well I'm on board... to the point of double booking myself at times... Someone help me from saying YES! ahhh

"They conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they did not love their lives in the face of death" Rev 12:11

Of course this verse is referring to Satan in the form of a Dragon in the heavens... But do I defeat him here on earth every day through the same way? Is my love and trust in the Lord strong enough to conquer him through the little things daily. I say yes! but I wonder if that is not just lip service. I have found myself questioning myself lately about the truth of my feelings, are they true or just what I am trying to convince myself I should have. Should I have to try to convince myself of Love to my Father? Do I treat him as I do my own father or better... sadly the answer is yes, which goes to say I probably don't treat either of them the way I should. WOW! I'm a bad daughter! But it is what I know? Does God fault me for that, that I give him what I know and treat him through the only love I have to base the concept of LOVE on?
In my family love is a thing we say, we occasionally show, and always feel. I don't know how to truly show love, I feel it, but it gets pushed on the back burner unless put directly in my face to face it. How does one change this? I have a tinglie sensation... and its telling me this is why I keep others at bay, why I don't have closeness in my life.. wait I've been told this by some of the people I consider being closest to. I don't show them I care. There are so many people I cherish in my life, andI would do anything for, but do they know this? Unless there has been a reason for me to demonstrate it, no they probably don't. and I hate to say it, but in my life, the best way I know to demonstrate love is through things, money, and then actions. This in my relationship with my heavenly Father, and means I tend to live a legalistic life, and I just hope and pray that he can read my true heart and know what is there... b/c I don't know how to change. I desire to and ask for his help. I try, but I feel I am a failure b/c I am told so, I see it though the actions of the close people in my life, they do not most of the time think of me as a close person in theirs, which hurts me more than I can tell you but I know I probably deserve just that. But in reality it just makes me push them further away b/c I don't want to get hurt further by them... thus leading me to a life of solitude... how can I want from them what I have no idea to give. Treat people as we want to be treated... humm... but I don't know how I want to be treated until it happens.. and then I make a snap judgement and well basically I just suck!

I want to start a community

Ok so due to a comment from Melisa about my 25 random facts my imagination ran a little crazy and I have had MY best brainstorm yet.

So Melisa told me she would be my cook and maid basically the ultimate host ever... and I liked that idea.. I truly do miss having someone else do all that for me and so does my figure... haha So I told her I'd build her a house right next to mine for her and her husband. this got me thinking.. Why not have all of my friends come live by me??? For this to happen it has to be legitimate... they all need jobs and we really should do something to better the world since we will all be blissfully happy.. So my idea came to life. See Mel's husband is a biologist currently working at the zoo so I thought well cool we can save some endangered animal, start a conservatory, which ever animal he has a heart to save works for me... thus starts government funding for land etc. well if we do that we'll probably need a vet, anyone know a good vet??? Then I thought we'll need someone to do PR for this place insert Julie. I would also like this to be in a 3rd world country somewhere, and would love for all of us to do some sort of missionary outreach. So Tayler your in charge of that, you have the most experience. I would want to teach the children of the area so all you teachers yup you are in on this as well and Tay if you want to teach you can of course! Along with teachers, coaches to get the people involved in sports and wanting to do sports outreach of course are coming.. so Cristy and Paige start packing. Well where there are children there are abused kids and children who need help with all their thoughts.. so Steph come on, now.. we are going to need legal and medical advice so Emily and Jim yup your in, as well as Ty and Miranda... one can never have enough legal advice. Oh and financial help will be needed with all the complicated non-profit stuff and the conservatory.. so I'd love to bring on Laura who is a soon to be CPA and Nick your coming with Julie. Along with Emily as our NP we'll prob need a pharmacist so Stephanie your in, and hopefully by this time i'll be a Dr. but if any of you know any other physicians who want to come on board they are welcome. :) Now we are all going to need food, so i'm thinking any farmers out there or avid weekend gardeners interested in turning that into a full time gig?? Any other professions are totally welcome and wanted. This is a very basic rubric to build from. I did only think of it in the shower after all... but yeah Hope you guys are as stoked about this as I am... I am seriously going to start planning this out... Ohh and I should probably mention, no money is needed once we get settled... totally on the bartering system and no stereotypes of "I am this so I have more or am worth more"... this is totally a God venture first, and we will trust him to provide. We are all equal in his eyes as believers and therefor we should live this way. So any ideas of where we want to start this little community???

25 fabulous things about me!

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.(To do this, go to the Notes tab on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app), and then click Publish.

1. I am a fanatic about conditioners... tho I rarely have enough hot water left to fully appreciate it.

2. My favorite flowers are pansy's and tulips.

3. I tend to be my own contradiction... I think highly of myself, but nothing I do.

4. I am addicted to starbucks, not coffee just starbucks..

5. I don't have TV.

6. My friends are fabulous and all over the world.

7. I love to travel I like MEL want to see all & continents... and soon. Financing is appreciated!

8. I am not spoiled I am just loved.. this has been my response for years and I think its pretty great!

9. I am very sarcastic.

10. I do not ever want kids. They are fine when they are other peoples, but Definitely NOT for me.

11. I am loyal to everyone I know... until they forget about me. I am be angry and still do anything for them... they can tell me never to talk to them again, and I am still there. Forget about me and i'm pretty much done.

12. I don't know my true hair color.

13. The favorite place I have lived is probably Montana. I want a ranch there desperately.

14. The next permanent destination I have in mind is Europe.

15. Pink highlighters are my favorite.

16. I love sports but prefer playing to watching. I am doing a triathlon in June for the first time in a long time.

17. I love the outdoors, camping, kayaking, hiking, snowboarding etc. but hate the things outside like bugs.

18. My baby girl Pixie probably knows me better than anyone and she is absolutely fabulous!!! I don't know what I would do without her.

19. I love my family, but I am okay with not seeing them for extended periods of time. We are not close.

20. I am going to be an Aunt in March!!!

21. I don't know what exactly I want to do when I grow up.

22. I love pictures. Taking them, being in them, looking at them.

23. I loved having maids and a cook and would love to have that again one day.

24. I have no idea how to cook, and would probably starve without take out and a microwave.

25. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and face. People who don't know me or have ever seen can still know the exact mood I am in.

Hope ya learned something new!

"Rock My World "

I have a few devotionals that are e-mailed to me daily as well as verses, comfort thoughts... I like to surround myself with God first thing in the morning. I find that it makes my day immensely better and puts me in the right mindset for the day. So to facilitate this, I have daily verses sent to my blackberry e-mail... they come in at exactly 11:37 every evening for the next day. Some nights I am still awake and I fight the urge to read it right when it chimes because I desire for it to be fresh, exciting and anticipatory when my alarm goes off first thing. Lord give me patience! I also have 2 different daily devotionals sent to my work e-mail every morning, because typically when I get to work and get everyone started on their treatments I log on and check e-mail and type up my morning reports. This gives me another God reminder within the first 2 hours of being awake. Talk about overloading myself with Godliness. I love it!!! There are days when one or both gets deleted without reading, on those days, I hate to admit it, I am usually so busy that I don't get to spend much time at the computer for personal improvement. I have noticed in those days, I tend to be a little more moody and sullen, the exact opposite of where I strive to be. God definitely has a profound hold of my emotions. All this being said Today only one devotional was deleted the second I felt drawn to... and as I read I knew why. It basically is my life and I wanted to share it. So here it is! It is from crosswalk ministries and written by Lysa TerKeurst.

Unsettle me.

These are the two words rattling about in my brain today. I almost wish it was a more glamorous prayer. Surely more eloquent words could be found for what I'm feeling led to pursue during this new year. But these are the words - this is the prayer for my 2009.

The funny thing is I've spent my whole existence trying to find a place to settle down, people to settle down with, and a spirit about me worthy of all this settled down-ness. All of this is good. A contented heart, thankful for its blessings is a good way to settle.

But there are areas of my life that have also settled that mock my desires to be godly woman - compromises if you will. Attitudes that I've wrapped in the lie, "Well, that's just how I am. And if that's all the bad that's in me, I'm doing pretty good."

I dare you, dear soul of mine, to notice the stark evidence of a spirit that is tainted and a heart that must be placed under the microscope of God's Word. Yes, indeed, unsettle me Lord.

Unearth that remnant of unforgiveness.

Shake loose that justification for harshness.

Reveal that broken shard of pride.

Expose that tendency to distrust.

Unsettle me in the best kind of way. For when I allow Your touch to reach the deepest parts of me - dark and dingy and hidden away too long - suddenly, a fresh wind of life twists and twirls and dances through my soul.

I can delight in forgiveness and love more deeply.

I can discover my gentle responses and find softer ways for my words to land.

I can recognize the beauty of humility and crave the intimacy with God it unleashes.

I can rest assured though harsh winds blow, I will be held.

Goodbye to my remnants, my justifications, shards, and tendencies. This is not who I am, nor who I was created to be.

Goodbye shallow love, sharp words, self-focus, and suspicious fears. I am an unsettled woman who no longer wishes to take part in your distractions or destructions.

Welcome deeper love, softer words, unleashed intimacy, and the certainty I am held.

Welcome my unsettled heart.

Welcome 2009

While I may not have written the exact 2 words... I have thought them and I truly desire for God to continue to shake things up and rock my world! What a blessing to know and hear someone else's desire for the same thing in their own life, and learn a way to invest myself in it even more. If this pertains to your life as well, join me in reading Hebrews over the next few weeks and see how God reveals himself to you. I'd love to hear about it and I am sure you readers will see how He is speaking to me!