riding again! woo hoo!!!

ok so 2nd day, 2nd bike ride. I have decided I am going to try to do some sort of exercise or work out everyday. This has to happen, Its one of my many things I have been attempting, and failing at. But I am changing how I attack this problem I am seeking God to motivate me vs. me motivating me. Now this is all great for this week while I am still out off of work, the real challenge begins next week... but I am trusting God that I will continue.

So Today while riding I had a God saving experience! God's grace saved me from being attacked by a big scary dog god nipping at my heels... I must remember to bring the pepper spray next time. After realizing how close I came to being attacked, I asked God to continue to watch over me, and keep me safe... every other dog I came across on this little FM road just happened to be either tied up or behind a fence. They still looked and sounded very vicious, but I know God was answering.

These seem like everyday experiences, and in the past not something I would have given God credit for doing. Easily explained away, I passed the Dog's house he was protecting, so he had no reason to continue pursuing me, or most people keep their dogs behind fences, it keeps them safe... but really I called out to God and the dog immediately turned back, I asked for protection and safe travels, He provided. If one dog was loose you know others usually are.

So I am praising Jesus today, for both protecting me and motivating me! He is sooo good!!!

alone

"I understand what it is like to look up, and around, and not see the person you want to see, you need to see."

I read this recently and it made me think. Will I ever have this? Will I ever want, need, depend on someone so much that I feel this? I have been single and on my own for so long that I am not even sure if I would ever be able to feel this way about anyone. Blame it on the time of year, but I can't help but feel alone with a longing to have someone to call my own. To have someone to come home to, to call, someone who actually cares.

Friends and media

So all this news with Tiger I'm over it really... Until today I read a headline on MSN with my old roommates name attached as one of his mistresses. WOW! Shocker! I just love this girl, don't talk to her much anymore... life happens you know, but still I just love her. She is an amazing girl, very vivacious, just so much fun to be around. I would not have expected this from her, but then again it as not her who brought this up but a "source." I just hate that her name is plastered all over tabloids and such now regardless of if its true or not. Privacy people!!! Yes yes I know you get involved with the celeb. group and it happens, but really why does it have to. Up until now Tiger has led a very private life as many celebs do, their face never gracing the tabloid or magazine cover. This girl is not so much of a quiet person, being a big part of Vegas night life how can you be... being named to J. Colton's top 31 people in Vegas list. But to have private happenings put out there, by someone you know no less, it's just tasteless. And we as the buying public fuel the fire. We buy the tabloids, the US weekly's and just feed on other people's lives instead of having our own. Now I will not lie, I've been known to have a magazine or two floating around my house but I guess it just comes to light how silly we are and how the people we read about are real people with real lives, real problems, and real friends and families.
Kiks I still love you and know that you are a wonderful person!!!

grrr Rudeness.

Do you ever experience outright rudeness from co-workers? I just hate it! I mean if you don't like someone, fine; but to be boldfaced rude is totally uncalled for. For someone to call your office, and when the person they wanted isn't available to say "No, I don't want her!" very sarcastically and then to add "she doesn't know anything" well that is just rude and uncalled for!

procrastination

So "No Perfect People Allowed" series is amazing! Every week I notice more and more about where I am at, and where I should be. This week was all about procrastination... come on who doesn't love a last min. rush every once in a while??? But seriously, there are a lot of places that I procrastinate: work (blogging at work... I think so), cleaning/unpacking (yes I moved in in August... No my bedroom still isn't unpacked), and lately my bible study/quiet time... now it's not that I don't want to do all of these things, it's just that I never seem to want to do them now!

Last night, I was so frustrated b/c I was hosting my small group, rushed home from work, did some last min. pick of/dishes and waited..... and waited... and waited. Apparently no one was coming. I initially was irritated because I did all this and no one even appreciated it. Then i thought more and figured people were busy, but they just should have let me know. I kept thinking, maybe I am wrong and have chased them away, maybe I'm a horrible leader, maybe... the list could go on forever. This got me thinking, I hadn't really prepared like I should have for the group, was this God's way of telling me I need to get on the ball and get stuff done? I think so.

How frustrated must God be with me that this was the only way he could get through to me! *Slap* I felt it. That stinging sensation when someone smacks you down and tells you how it really is. Yup procrastination and laziness once again got me down and humbled. See the members in my group I know have good hearts, crazy schedules, and are busy. It does not matter that I get in trouble at work for leaving in time to be there, or that I prepare (when I do), or that I took the effort to make sure my apartment was spotless for them. I should be happy they make it when they do. I don't need recognition for anything I do from any of them.

1 Samuel 2:3

"Do not keep talking so proudly or let your mouth speak such arrogance, for the LORD is a God who knows, and by him deeds are weighed.

Yes Thank You God for humbling me!

Dogs are just the cutest! I love my sweet Pixie and she never ceases to amaze me with her cuteness. This morning, I was getting ready for work, we had out 5 min cuddle time and I put her back in her blanket where she sleeps when I'm not home. I finished gathering all my stuff, walked out to the front door, and one of my sandals was missing. Now 10 min ago they were both sitting next to each other right where I took them off. In the 5 min it took me to gather my stuff, Pixie went to the door, picked up one of my sandals and carried it to her blanket. She often does this, she never chews them, she just hides them from me. I guess this morning, she didn't want me to leave. I used to get upset by this, but now I just find it adorable that she does this as her little game and wants to keep me around.

How can you not find this face just adorable?

Seasons

I love it when the seasons change, I love the transition from what was to whats new. The part I am not so fond of is that I live in south Texas and we have no seasons.... j/k but really what I don't like, is that it always causes unrest in my soul. Now this is usually a good thing, but I am often reluctant to plunge ahead with the changing of myself. This year is different in that I have seen so much change already happen, but I am increasingly aware that I have such a long way to go. some of these include:

• Changing how I handle $. Quit spending and start saving and sharing.
• I need to eat better/work out more
  
• I need to get back to devotional time everyday
  

Really I need to get some willpower and motivation. I have noticed overall I have gotten lazy in how I am handling everything and that needs to change.

I love the God is working on my heart, preparing me, and showing me, but like the seasons here in Texas... there isn't much consistency in my life.

relaxing weekend

This weekend I had such a good time. It was low key, by myself time away from the stress and day to day stuff at home... plus I got to spend it with 3 amazing doggies. They are my small, medium, and large all in one room! Who can ask for more? Beautiful setting, sweet puppies, time with God Loved it all!

accelerating SUV's

As I was returning home from a good weekend escape to Houston with just enough work tied in to pay for my trip, I got stuck on repeat with another driver on the road. I was driving my usual 5-7 miles over the speed limit and this other SUV showed up on my tail at one point, I moved into the right lane to let them pass as any courteous driver does and let them speed right past while thinking I hope they don't get pulled over. Said SUV after passing myself returned to the right lane only to slow down causing me to pass them. This pattern was repeated 4 times in the next 5 min and began to irritate me. I thought to myself, if they pass me and slow down again, I am just going to block them and cut out this nonsense... Then I got to thinking, is that the attitude God would want me to have? As i was pondering this, it came to me is that this is often what I do to God... I ask for his help, then I pass it by when its offered only to mess up fall down because I am trying to do it myself, and end up right back where I started behind.

God, please don't give up on me or become frustrated with me. I know I am often that irritating SUV, and I will try to be content staying behind you and traveling at the speed you have set on your cruise control for my life rather than gunning ahead. I know that you have a plan, a time line, and goals for my life and I want nothing less than to adhere to them. Thank you so much for your guidance, protection, and love for my life!

feeling unfulfilled/complacent

So I have reached a point where once again I am feeling unfulfilled in my life. I realized that if I were to stay in my current profession and job forever I would feel like a failure in my life. Is there ever a point where you feel like you are good? Where you feel like you have achieved what your supposed to?
I know I should feel blessed and appreciative with everything God has given me thus far, and I am but I feel stagnant. I know when we feel this way I need to step out and take something else on... the question is what? and when do I have time? Is it time for me to be a little reckless and not wait for logic, not wait for good timing and just trust God and go? I already have plans to make a big step in the next year or two, but do I wait? In Zephaniah 1:12 the Bible tells us "It will come about at that time That I will search Jerusalem with lamps, And I will punish the men Who are stagnant in spirit, Who say in their hearts, 'The LORD will not do good or evil!' While my spiritual life is not completely stagnant, all parts of our lives are connected, and maybe it is and I jsut don't feel it hitting me yet. Which is in fact quite possible. So now I have 2 problems.. great, I love when I blog and make myself more aware.... UGH!
What are some ways you change complacency in your lives?

In an effort to stay sane and be a little humorous on a Monday morning I thought I would do this instead of making myself put my incoherent thoughts together...Who Are You?

In an effort to stay sane and be a little humorous on a Monday morning I thought I would do this instead of making myself put my incoherent thoughts together...

Who Are You?

1. What time did you get up this morning? 5:00

2. How do you like your steak? On someone else's plate

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Humm... sweeny todd manybe... it was that long ago I know.

4. What is your favorite TV show? Big Brother and Grey's

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Wherever my creator sends me... Somewhere I can help people and expand my eternal circle of friends.

6. What did you have for breakfast? Chlorinated water :)

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Mexican and Cajan

8. What foods do you dislike? This list is way too long so I'll go with all the stuff I'm allergic to :)

9. Favorite Place to Eat? Mercado's, Roosters, the little greek place at my condo

10. Favorite dressing? Ranch or Raspberry Vinegerette.. and Huckelberry if it ever gets here!!!

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive? Nissa Xterra

12. What are your favorite clothes? Anything that make me look thin!

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? All of Europe, Australia, Greece exp. the islands

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? My cup Runneth OVER

15. Where would you want to retire? well since I want to change professions to Missionary.. I don't ever plan on retiring :)

16. Favorite time of day? When I crawl into my bed whatever time that may be :)

17. Where were you born? Odgen

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? None anymore... jk Gymnastics, swimming, football, volleyball, soccer

19. Bird watcher? not unless you count my observations of them flying in V's in the middle of July Why ?
20. Are you a morning person or a night person? I would say night, but I am up early so who knows...

21. Do you have any pets? Only the sweetest Chihuahua ever!

22. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Not yet, ask me Wednesday!

23. What did you want to be when you were little? A Doctor.

24. What is your best childhood memory? Hanging with my dad

25. Are you a cat or dog person? Dog

26. Are you married? Only to my savior

27. Always wear your seat belt? Yes

28. Been in a car accident? yeah a few...

29. Any Pet Peeves? so many, unorganization being at the top of that list, for myself and others :)

30. Favorite Pizza Toppings? I have really become fond of spinach and feta pizzas with alfredo sauce

31. Favorite Flower? Orchids and Hibiscus with a few plumeria thrown in :)

32. Favorite ice cream? Strawberry shortcake Skinny Cow

33. Favorite fast food restaurant? Chic-Fil-A

34. How many times did you fail your driver's test? None

35. From whom did you get your last email? a friend

36. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Marshals or Steinmart, target, TJMaxx

37. Do anything spontaneous lately? not so much, I should work on that.
38. Like your job? Yes, somedays.

39. Broccoli? Yes!

40. What was your favorite vacation? Anywhere with my friends.. Cruises are always a safe bet!

41. Last person you went out to dinner with? a bunch of friends

42. What are you listening to right now? Dora.. i'm learning spanish so immersing myself everyway I can

43. What is your favorite color? PINK - The Perfect Princess Color

44. How many tattoos do you have? None. Why would you want to put something permanent on a temporary vessel that is going to succumb to gravity thus making your tattoo unrecognizable.

45. What time did you finish this quiz? 11:00

First day!

First days of school are always interesting... this year was no different. I set my mind to start swimming every morning before work. I need to do it, and the first day of school seemed like the perfect day to start since I would be starting a routine and then I would be good. Started out perfect! Got up at 4:45 got to the gym by 5 and in the pool I went. 2000 yards later at about 6:00 I got out and noticed my eye was in excruciating pain... humm chlorine must be strong. Nope turns out I took a chunk out of my cornea... How do you do that swimming... I have NO clue, but somehow I managed. So off to the eye Dr. I went about 30 min into school after he opened... thankfully he is a friend and took care of me quickly, but I looked like I was crying all day out of one eye! Ugh. No makeup, hair a mess, and crying out of one eye... goodness gracious what a day!

i'm still alive

So I still exist, and I am actually doing quite well, I have just been extremely busy and for most of the summer away from my computer. My summer was filled with many trips, eye opening revelations, and much needed family, friend, and even a little rest time thrown in. Pictures of all of this will follow, but for now I wanted to share a new plan for my life thanks to this summer and of course my Awesome Father, God!

As mentioned last spring, I went on a mission trip to Honduras with a group from my church in June. It was amazing! It was tiring! It was uplifting! It was revealing! It was inspiring! I could keep going, but for the sake of keeping my few readers interested I won't. :) What I will say is that my life makes sense now. All the trials in my life the past 3 or 4 years did in fact lead to something greater, the people who have come in and out of my life make sense, and all the moves have a purpose. What can I say, patience does have its rewards and being open to God's plan and following often blindly, getting your heart broken by thinks not going the way you want... well they do in fact lead to something greater than you could ever imagine. When I get more information, I'll share even more.

must use left foot!

So my job sent me to South Padre Island for about 4 days, where while there were meetings going on, I planned on relaxing more than working! I took my sweet bike and was very excited about getting on it again without the fears of being blown off with the coastal winds and crazy drivers I face in Port Lavaca. So after about a 2 month hiatus from my bike, due to ankle injury and winds, I had plans of biking a lot over my time when I wasn't on the beach, in the ocean, or in meetings. The first night out, I was doing good riding along a friend running, keeping it conversational and relaxed... for me at least. We came to the end of the island and had to cross so I had to go to the main drag at an intersection with only a stop sign to cross the road and get to the beach side on the island from the bay side. I came to the stop sign unclipped my right foot... and the next thing i knew I was on the ground on top of my bike with my left foot still clipped in... seriously its been 2 months not 2 years... I then thought back and i always unclip my left foot to stop...ALWAYS! I am apparently not capable of stopping with my right foot. Crazy I know! remember when stopping left, not right!

Recieving Love

Sometimes often I struggle with letting people in... In fact if you know me and you read this you'll probably be shocked. For the past year and a half I have had various people tell me I need to let people in, let people love me, and care about me the way I try to for everyone else. People I consider my best friends I have lost or have gotten so frustrated with me they have given up in fact. This of course has just made me want to be harder, rely less on people b/c now its been brought to my attention I cause them pain when all I want to do is everything to lessen their pain. Its been happening my whole life, it just took some amazing Godly people the last 2 years to finally tell me. So tonight I am reading a book called "90 min in Heaven" by Don Piper and Holy Moly he went through the same thing, always a people helper never a receiver... But so far it seems that he only had to be told once... My thick stubborn head takes 2 years
to decide to listen. I may even have an idea finally how to put my receiving self out there. See if you can figure it out for yourselves :). God is so good to bring this to me and to be a constant reminder not only to receive but to be grateful for it. After all that is how we are to be with Him, and if I can't allow a friend to listen to my problems, or help me with a project, how do I treat God my father??? Prob. Not very well I am afraid to admit.

life lessons

"Let all that you do be done in love." 1 Corinthians 16:14 This is the verse I woke up to today, and it could not have been any more fitting for my life today. I have constantly been reminded since moving to the awesome Port Lavaca America, that I am a harsh person who is unapproachable, and apparently to my students the worst person they will ever meet. Well I am sorry that I expect more than mediocrity, and my intentions are to teach you how to live in the world I know it to be and have experienced, not just the insides of the P.L.. My first reaction is to fire back, to react, and for sure not out of love... But I'm learning. Last night the student I was feeling so attacked and wronged by, I wanted to get deported... (whole other story) but I got to thinking Jesus would not have her deported even if she is illegal, and costing $, He would love her and embrace her. I don't know that I am to a point where I can embrace her, or anyone else down here for that matter, but I can try to carry myself out of love. How this looks I am not really sure yet, but I realize that in my life I obviously don't show love... I show hardness. How does one go about changing that; I haven't the foggiest... but I have asked God to show me and guide me, now I just have to learn to see it when He does. Man oh Man why can't life lessons come easy?????

Seasons of life

The end of the school year has in my life always been a time of rejoice, a time of joy, and a sign of relaxation to come. This year while I am thankful for a break from the monotony of work soon, I find myself feeling very discontent with life and my situation. I feel very much as if I have don't nothing special, spectacular, or moving in short I've wasted a year. The summer is a time of joy and celebration as many friends enter into marriage, parenthood, and new beginnings. I am overjoyed to share in these times with my friends, however I can't help but feel unattached, discontent, and lonely with my own life. As a single girl in my mid 20's I am reaching a point where I wonder if this is where I will be for the rest of my life. Will I stay single, is my current job where i am destined to be until I retire, is this the life i have arranged for myself?
1 Corinthians 7 tells us:

34An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

I know from this that singleness is a blessing, a season in life that I am totally available to God with nothing else in my life more important. I have given my life to God and desire to do His will, yet I am not feeling direction to do anything different with my life from what I am except for the discontent in my own heart. I can't help but think this discontent comes from God, and yet I am not feeling direction towards anything else. Is this just a season as another year winds down where I question my worth and actions, or am I missing the point of my life? Am I doing what God wants, or am I allowing my head decide completely ignoring my heart thus blocking God. I am beginning to hate the change of seasons!

Sleep...

There are 3 basic needs a person needs to survive... Water, Food and sleep. Without sleep a person is susceptible to Type II Diabetes, decreased language processing, decreased memory, psychosis, Bi-polar disorder, heart disease, increase stress hormones=more stress, enhanced hypothalmic activity( body regulation, digestion, mood, energy usage) impaired ability to reaction/function, and obesity. I have struggled with insomnia (diagnosed with multiple sleep studies) my entire life. I mean I quit taking naps when I was 2... Who does that??? I was on sleeping pills through high school and college because not only can I not fall asleep, when I do fall asleep I wake up constantly. Now these sleeping wern't the addicting sleep aid business, oh nooooo more like the sedative that just induces a coma like state.. woo hoo Ask my friend Steph about the effects of my lovely sleeping pills!!! haha This year, with the decrease in stress due to not being in grad school AND working a full time job has helped some, and I have been sleeping more regularly with out my trusty sleeping pills, but here in the past month, I have been averaging if i'm lucky 4 hours of sleep a night... this week more like 2. i'm thinking it's coma time again... Just in time for summer woo hoo!!! At least I have a reason/cause for being fat now... haha

weekend festivities

This past weekend was a wonderful, exciting reconnection with friends to witness an act that a few of us wondered if it would ever happen. My best guy friend got married this weekend. Ty and I have been through so much, dealt with so much, fought though so much, enjoyed great times, created crazy stories... and this weekend he topped all of it by getting married! I love his new wife, she is so perfect for him, able to put up with his crap, tell him "no really your wrong" and love him despite himself. He has had a knack for picking the psycho girls... to a point a mutual friend "inappropriate Andy" nicknamed them all and promptly forgot their real names... Love it! Miranda is an amazing woman who is so beautiful, so thoughtful, and so caring there is not much to dislike. The weekend was filled with reminiscing, meeting friends I have heard so much about, and of course the wedding itself.
Now me being me, I couldn't be in Dallas without seeing everyone else I know, doing some major shopping, and enjoying for great food (to which I am now on a diet forever) so here's a list:

Friday: Drive alllllll Day, go to Julie's work and visit and get her key ( I stayed with her all weekend)
Friday afternoon: after unloading my car, I hit some shopping. Galleria, Steinmart, 1/2 price books
Friday evening: Rehersal Dinner at Love and War in TX (grapevine) filled with very memorial toasts... Yay for Andy!, a wonderful video, great wine

Saturday morning: sleep in! Yay for sleep
Saturday mid morning: more shopping (Target, the mall again)
Saturday afternoon: stressing about getting ready
Saturday evening: Wedding (pictures to come)
Saturday late: after party at Glass Cactus Gaylord followed by Steak and Shake (my first time ever)
Sunday: Proctor state test way too early in the morning
Sunday afternoon: Lunch at BJ's yummy! with Jena and Jane and their boys
Sunday evening: Wine and TV with Julie
Monday morning: take dress back to Nordstroms b/c it broke at the Wedding after party
Monday rest of day: Driving home Yuck!

Whew whirlwind of activities and I loved ever min of it. Poor Pixie on the other hand... See Julie has this cat names Kerkyn... He is the Devil! He hissed at us and was stalking Pixie around the entire condo when we got there... Pixie kept running behind me to protect her (aww how cute!) Finally she had enough and started going off on him in pure Chihuahua fashion. We didn't see much from him after that... he poked his head out from under the bed and she would go off... great stuff! Monday morning however they were in standoff mode.. neither vocalizing a thing.. just staring intently...

Uggh

Seriously... Happy day/Sad day all about the same topic. Ahhh

SO I found out today that the McDonalds that is basically on our campus.. well Teachers eat free when they take their class. Now this is a good/bad thing. I love the grilled chicken sandwich, but the problem is I LOVE the grilled chicken sandwich. How on earth am I supposed to loose weight and live on a budget when I am turning down free food. Seriously? Seriously?!?!

Love me some Red Box!!!!!

I love RedBox! I can honestly say that I think I am in love with this tiny obscure little vending machine. Not because movie rentals are cheap (more on that), not because it is conveniently located all over and I can pickup/return anywhere I please, no it is because it has opened my life to obscure, insignificant movies I would have never have seen, never even known about, or acknowledged. Ok so cheap it is, I get FREE codes every Monday as a text message and what is better than free, and yes it is very convenient. Ok so maybe I love it for all these reasons. If you know me, you know I don't have TV. I see no reason to pay for what I can get online for free, so I miss all the movie previews and commercials. I have also not been to a movie since I moved to the P.L. so 9 months now with no theater trips... sad, but honestly my life is not laking in the least. Some of the movies I have rented and watched from the comfort of my own house, my own couch. all by myself curled up with Pixie are: Rachel getting married, Miracle at Santa Anna, The boy int he stripped pajamas, W, nights in rodathane, brideshead revisted, and cake eaters. Now of course I have seen the blockbusters as well, marly and me, Twilight, madagascar 2, ya know the important ones! haha but seriously I think that for every blockbuster, recognized movie ( to me this is any movie I have heard of before I get to the redbox) I have probably seen 3 to 4 random, often lower budget movies that I have come to love. So thank you Red Box! Thank you for enlightening me, entertaining me, and making all this possible. And to all the struggling film directors, if you have a dream chase it, live it, share it, Someone out there like me will love it!

Weekend experiences

What a relaxing weekend! Saturday I did absolutely nada except some laundry and light picking up around the house! It was the perfect way to end such a trying week. Spent some time in the word just feeling God's love, and man! was that so needed. Watched Charles in Charge online... hilarious but so mindless it was perfect. Yesterday went to church and felt some more of God's love... and was reminded that He loves us inspite of ourselves and that we ought love others exactly the same way. Humm good reminder! After church my girls and I went to lunch and had great friend time and great conversation. Oh how I cherish girl time. I went for a run late yesterday evening... after searching to no avail for my IPOD which I was distraught about. I however realized, on my run, that when I have my music on I often get lost in my own little world not really taking in whats going on around me. I am so thankful I didn't have my ipod last night. I enjoyed the bay, hearing the waves and birds, amazing. Experiencing all the life in my neighborhood, families playing ball outside in the yards, little kids running around playing in the street, BBQ's with friends... crazy! I often think of my neighborhood being pretty ghetto, but last night I realized that while the houses are crappy, and there are some not so great people for the most part my neighborhood is a place where people feel comfortable being themselves and letting their children just be kids. I am so thankful for my experience last night... now if I could just find my Ipod. I mean how else do I keep track of my mileage. Ugh!

uggh Seriously!

Have you ever had one of those days that was perfectly fine until you left your house? Well friends Today is one of those days!!! I was at my whits end at 7:00 this morning. People who have no need to be in my office in my office annoying me, my partner at work changing my schedule for me to accommodate his TWICE! and telling me I need to rearrange something I have planned for months for him to do something on a whim he has decided he has to do. Seriously, it's a respect thing, and I feel like i'm getting ZERO! maybe on another day it wouldn't bother me quite as much, but the last two weeks have just worn me down, but this has been a continuous thing lately. Whats a girl to do? I am trying to not speak my mind, to not say anything b/c anything I would say would be hateful and probably not sound very christian like, but seriously.... SERIOUSLY... I have asked for patience, I have asked for peace with the situation, but all I feel is frustrated and more annoyed. I really need a break, and more than one day a week.

So many things are going through my head, on so many different topics, and I feel so unsure about everything going on right now. AHHHHHHHHHHHH okay. I feel a little better :)
It all boils down to I need to be in The Word, spend some close personal time with GOD, and Listen to what he has for me. I know this. I know the anxiety that is keeping me awake at night will be pacified, and life will resume normalcy. So if I know this... why can't I do it?

things I need to get done:
Letters for Honduras Mission Trip: if anyone wants to sponsor me please let me know.
Resume Touch Ups
DAILY devotionals
Study for the MCAT
Lessons for Small Group
Quality time with my sweet Pixie!

Things I am needing direction for:
Jobs- stay or apply (go)
if stay: finding a house for next year
Mood
Finishing the school year strong!

I love the Mexican's i'm surrounded by :)

OKay so If you know me, you most definitely know that I have absolutely no cooking ability what-so-ever. I mean my house now does not even have an oven or stove... seriously! So apparently, this astounds the mexican's I am surrounded by here on the Tx coast. (it's okay to refer to them like that I promise) So last night while working a softball game my head softball coaches wife, one of my student athletic trainers, and a JV softball player were not only teaching me spanish, they were explaining how to cook some authentic mexican dishes. I mean homemade tortillas seriously... I didn't think that was possible... I thought they came in a little ziploc bag and you add ingredience for taco's... and that was as homemade as it got. I was wrong! So to the amusement of the faculty I work with and most of the students... I am learning. I am even going to get cooking lessons wow! I know! Seriously!!!

Spanish words I learned last night: masa prounced Ma-saw tortilla dough
palota-rolling pin prounced pa loe ta
palotae-ball prounced pa loe tay

YaY! for me!

Master Locks

Have you ever been so frustrated with a master lock and it's key because it just would not work? Well I live my life using masterlocks and can I just say how frustrating! I know I have the right key and it will just not budge in the lock. I try wiggling, shaking, screaming, yelling, slamming the lock etc. and then once I am calm again, I try again pulling the key out just a little or wiggling it gently and TADAA open sesame. This exact thing happened while trying to set up the baby room for my sister. I had to call a friend of her's and her husband to come help me move out their guest furniture to their storage unit. We got the keys and set off. We get to the office and the gate is locked and we at this point are praying we have the key to open. Friend tries both keys on key ring and all three gates and nope couldn't get it. I asked to try and got it open fairly quickly.. Lots of practice I tell ya !
All this to say, how many times in our life do we try and fight to make something work we know works and yet it just isn't. With Careers, or finding one, studying in college, handling sticky situations with family, friends, remote controls, cell phones, pens oh goodness all the scribbling. But when we take a step back and let God lead the situation, He gets it on the first try. He just sits back, waits for us to give up and allow him to take over. We may know how to talk to friends, how to study, how to make a pen write, but without guidance, without peace we just can't get it. God has a plan, and sometimes doors are slammed just to teach us to rely on Him.

As for me I look to the Lord for help. I wait confidently for God to save me, and my God will certainly hear me. Micah 7:7

meet Shelby!

Okay, so I have the most adorable niece, our little lucky charm!

She was born March 17th... After a few complications, a close call, and many many hours in the hospital she arrived cute, bright blue eyes, and all. Love her! Lots of stress was involved with the last week as my sister had nothing in her house for this new addition, but she was totally worth every bit of it! YaY!!!

my extended spring break

So I have been pretty quiet of late.. unintentionally, but between work and my new neice the last few weeks have been quite packed. This blog is just a teaser... but actual posts will commence this comming week... a few topics are already being thought about My new neice Shelby being a main topic i'm sure. Some other points of interest are me coaching, friends, my crazy family, and my newest endeavor of the master cleanse... yeah yeah I know. should be interesting... Hope you are all doing well!

to sure of yourself????

OK so funny little comment made me think yesterday, but due to Taks testing I wasn't able to post until today. While of potty patrol with a co-worker a parent of said co workers former student came up. While discussing the child who kudos was just accepted to Julliard, a comment was made. Mom thought a girl was involved with student moving to Manhattan (already going to school in NY). Mom does not like girl for no other reason than

"she is just to sure of herself, Gives me the creeps"

Seriously is there a problem with being confident? The mom believes the girl came from a family of wealth (being I live in a poor rural area wealth is relative) and with said wealth came more opportunities, more experiences, all leading to more confidence. Why is having the belief that you can accomplish anything if you work hard and are dedicated to the task a horrible thing? Why would you not want your son to be involved with someone who has determination? Does God not tell us " you can do all things through me" ? I am just appalled with the mentality here, but am beginning to understand the lack of drive in the students here as well as the lack of ambition once they graduate. Destined to plant life forever?????

finding the shade

With the end of the year quickly approaching, (its almost spring break!) thoughts of transition begin to enter my mind. For me, thoughts of whether to stay or look for a different position are on the fore front of my mind. This year has definitely been tough. It was a struggle internally from the beginning, prior to even accepting the job, but in the end God wanted me here and here I ended. To say I was pleased about this would be a complete and udder lie. In short I was miserable, to the point I was excited about the prospect of a hurricane! Christmas came, and I got to get out for a while and I think it was the best thing for me. I came back with a renewed faith in God and a belief that HE has me here for a reason. I can tell you I have learned more being here than I want to admit, and I am being prepared for the future more and more with each day. So thoughts of leaving are still on my mind, but that would be what I want for my life, but is it what God wants? A question I have been pondering for weeks. I pray and pray for direction, and for God to use my life to increase His kingdom no matter what! Well have I been open to listening? Sunday's sermon was about Prayer, and the steps of Prayer, transitioning from asking, to pleading, to listening and I am learning what that actually means. For further assistance and reaffirmation that I am trying to live for God I went back to my favorite book in the Bible last night. Jonah. From childhood, I have had a fascination with him living inside a whale's belly because God loved him and had a plan for him besides drowning in his disobedience. When he was spit out, and finally did what God asked, he was still unhappy about it, and still had disobedience. I think this has been me, while I have learned a great deal, I have not been completely receptive to God's plan. I still had my thoughts and feelings leading my day to day thoughts and actions with God sort of being my overall guide. Well I am here to tell you that does not work! Thanks Jonah for teaching me more and showing me that my everything needs to be about God or I'll loose my shade as well.

distinct family

Families are odd aren't they? My, I guess he's a, great uncle's (my mom's uncle) memorial was this week as he passed the end of last week. It was something we all knew was coming and were actually surprised he held on as long as he did but it is non the less very sad, but a blessing he is no longer suffering. I wish I could have made it up to be with the rest of the family, but work and lack of funding prevented this. I got to thinking about family dynamics, and realized how odd my family truly is.

A good friend of mine recently went to not one but 2 possibly 3 memorials for her step-grandmothers ( a lady she hasn't spoken to in years) and her whole family was pulled closer together for these events. In my life, I have not attended any family members funerals. Both of my fathers parents are deceased, But I did not even know about his father passing (nor did the rest of my immediate family) for over a month after the fact, so no surprise we didn't attend. His mother passed I am not sure when, as I didn't receive notice about that one either. To say we are not close to that side of the family is an understatement. My fathers brother also passed, prior to his father by a few months and again we had no idea. In fact we found out about them both at the same time. I believe that is all on his side of the family but I could be wrong and not even know about it.
On my mothers side, my uncle died the day I graduated high school, what a way to celebrate! But I could not attend any memorial for that one either. I have had other what I believe to be great uncles and aunts pass on that side of the family, and have not even thought about attending nor has my parents. I am not really sure the reasoning behind why not, but it just proves to me how my family is okay with providing financial support, and prayer support only, and until recently I did not realize there was a problem with that. As I grow, and learn, it has come to my attention that family is so much more that that. I understand we are spread across the country, but all my family can be reached with a day and a 1/2's drive if needed. It has always seemed odd to me that I have never met my 1st cousins (any of the 5) and out of my second cousins I only really know 4, and only truly know 2 of those 4.
It's no wonder that I am so independent. I don't have any model of anything else.

days of beauty

So the past few days have been absolutely gorgeous... until today.. which is a humid crazy yucky day! (good thing I have to work and can't enjoy it anyways) But previously, I have this week enjoyed laying out on my lunch break with Pixie, a nice run in the park with pixie, and yesterday a nice bike ride in the park with pixie... yes my dog goes just about everywhere with me these days and she loves it! I have to admit the bike ride part is the cutest.. she fits in my Camel Back and rides with her head poking out of the top.... occationally barking at whatever we pass.. the ducks, other people, the baseball game, squirels, whatever she sees... it is actually quite amusing.. and everyone (people wise at least) are quite humored by her on my back while riding intensely working on training... Now today I am quite sore.... from my at least 100 crunches a day, Belky has forced me into doing... to the running, and the biking my legs are rebelling a bit... I need to find a pool soon!!! God is truly blessing me on my days off with days of beauty to enjoy and take advantage of and for that I could not be more thankful!

Committments: Over or Under

So it's dawned on me today that I have committed myself to many events that require funding.. and while they are all for a good cause, I may be planning on taxing my friends out... not a good thing. See I have registered first for "the livestrong challenge" which is a bike race (you may have guessed that) in Austin (again) and hosted by Lance Armstrong (yet again) and to participate in this event is $250 minimum. But it's for a good cause right? Ok so Done. Signed up, ready to ride... except I need to be training more or I'm going to die. Well this race isn't until October of 2009 so I have some time to collect.
Then I am answering God's calling and traveling with a group from my church to Honduras this summer. I can absolutely NOT Wait! I have been wanting to go on more missions for a long time, and have been feeling God tug on my heart to go.. and finally He said it is time and has opened the doors. This trip is $1500 Not too bad for a week of getting to do the Lords work and it is so definitely worth it!
Well about a week ago, I received an e-mail from a teacher at the school I work for asking me to be on the school's Relay for Life team. Of course I said yes without hesitation... ohh wait I have to raise money for that too... Oh well I'm committed now! I have a feeling with these three things God will provide first and foremost, I will loose some weight (Praise Jesus!) , and I will be motivated to train a little and work out. After all hiking in the mountains of Honduras, riding in a long bike race, and relay for life which I am setting a personal goal of running a good bit of, well I have got to get started early right.
I just find it so funny, because I have so many friends who are so non-committal it isn't even funny and then there is me, and if it involves doing good for someone else, raising money to help a cause, of funding research well I'm on board... to the point of double booking myself at times... Someone help me from saying YES! ahhh

"They conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they did not love their lives in the face of death" Rev 12:11

Of course this verse is referring to Satan in the form of a Dragon in the heavens... But do I defeat him here on earth every day through the same way? Is my love and trust in the Lord strong enough to conquer him through the little things daily. I say yes! but I wonder if that is not just lip service. I have found myself questioning myself lately about the truth of my feelings, are they true or just what I am trying to convince myself I should have. Should I have to try to convince myself of Love to my Father? Do I treat him as I do my own father or better... sadly the answer is yes, which goes to say I probably don't treat either of them the way I should. WOW! I'm a bad daughter! But it is what I know? Does God fault me for that, that I give him what I know and treat him through the only love I have to base the concept of LOVE on?
In my family love is a thing we say, we occasionally show, and always feel. I don't know how to truly show love, I feel it, but it gets pushed on the back burner unless put directly in my face to face it. How does one change this? I have a tinglie sensation... and its telling me this is why I keep others at bay, why I don't have closeness in my life.. wait I've been told this by some of the people I consider being closest to. I don't show them I care. There are so many people I cherish in my life, andI would do anything for, but do they know this? Unless there has been a reason for me to demonstrate it, no they probably don't. and I hate to say it, but in my life, the best way I know to demonstrate love is through things, money, and then actions. This in my relationship with my heavenly Father, and means I tend to live a legalistic life, and I just hope and pray that he can read my true heart and know what is there... b/c I don't know how to change. I desire to and ask for his help. I try, but I feel I am a failure b/c I am told so, I see it though the actions of the close people in my life, they do not most of the time think of me as a close person in theirs, which hurts me more than I can tell you but I know I probably deserve just that. But in reality it just makes me push them further away b/c I don't want to get hurt further by them... thus leading me to a life of solitude... how can I want from them what I have no idea to give. Treat people as we want to be treated... humm... but I don't know how I want to be treated until it happens.. and then I make a snap judgement and well basically I just suck!

I want to start a community

Ok so due to a comment from Melisa about my 25 random facts my imagination ran a little crazy and I have had MY best brainstorm yet.

So Melisa told me she would be my cook and maid basically the ultimate host ever... and I liked that idea.. I truly do miss having someone else do all that for me and so does my figure... haha So I told her I'd build her a house right next to mine for her and her husband. this got me thinking.. Why not have all of my friends come live by me??? For this to happen it has to be legitimate... they all need jobs and we really should do something to better the world since we will all be blissfully happy.. So my idea came to life. See Mel's husband is a biologist currently working at the zoo so I thought well cool we can save some endangered animal, start a conservatory, which ever animal he has a heart to save works for me... thus starts government funding for land etc. well if we do that we'll probably need a vet, anyone know a good vet??? Then I thought we'll need someone to do PR for this place insert Julie. I would also like this to be in a 3rd world country somewhere, and would love for all of us to do some sort of missionary outreach. So Tayler your in charge of that, you have the most experience. I would want to teach the children of the area so all you teachers yup you are in on this as well and Tay if you want to teach you can of course! Along with teachers, coaches to get the people involved in sports and wanting to do sports outreach of course are coming.. so Cristy and Paige start packing. Well where there are children there are abused kids and children who need help with all their thoughts.. so Steph come on, now.. we are going to need legal and medical advice so Emily and Jim yup your in, as well as Ty and Miranda... one can never have enough legal advice. Oh and financial help will be needed with all the complicated non-profit stuff and the conservatory.. so I'd love to bring on Laura who is a soon to be CPA and Nick your coming with Julie. Along with Emily as our NP we'll prob need a pharmacist so Stephanie your in, and hopefully by this time i'll be a Dr. but if any of you know any other physicians who want to come on board they are welcome. :) Now we are all going to need food, so i'm thinking any farmers out there or avid weekend gardeners interested in turning that into a full time gig?? Any other professions are totally welcome and wanted. This is a very basic rubric to build from. I did only think of it in the shower after all... but yeah Hope you guys are as stoked about this as I am... I am seriously going to start planning this out... Ohh and I should probably mention, no money is needed once we get settled... totally on the bartering system and no stereotypes of "I am this so I have more or am worth more"... this is totally a God venture first, and we will trust him to provide. We are all equal in his eyes as believers and therefor we should live this way. So any ideas of where we want to start this little community???

25 fabulous things about me!

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.(To do this, go to the Notes tab on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app), and then click Publish.

1. I am a fanatic about conditioners... tho I rarely have enough hot water left to fully appreciate it.

2. My favorite flowers are pansy's and tulips.

3. I tend to be my own contradiction... I think highly of myself, but nothing I do.

4. I am addicted to starbucks, not coffee just starbucks..

5. I don't have TV.

6. My friends are fabulous and all over the world.

7. I love to travel I like MEL want to see all & continents... and soon. Financing is appreciated!

8. I am not spoiled I am just loved.. this has been my response for years and I think its pretty great!

9. I am very sarcastic.

10. I do not ever want kids. They are fine when they are other peoples, but Definitely NOT for me.

11. I am loyal to everyone I know... until they forget about me. I am be angry and still do anything for them... they can tell me never to talk to them again, and I am still there. Forget about me and i'm pretty much done.

12. I don't know my true hair color.

13. The favorite place I have lived is probably Montana. I want a ranch there desperately.

14. The next permanent destination I have in mind is Europe.

15. Pink highlighters are my favorite.

16. I love sports but prefer playing to watching. I am doing a triathlon in June for the first time in a long time.

17. I love the outdoors, camping, kayaking, hiking, snowboarding etc. but hate the things outside like bugs.

18. My baby girl Pixie probably knows me better than anyone and she is absolutely fabulous!!! I don't know what I would do without her.

19. I love my family, but I am okay with not seeing them for extended periods of time. We are not close.

20. I am going to be an Aunt in March!!!

21. I don't know what exactly I want to do when I grow up.

22. I love pictures. Taking them, being in them, looking at them.

23. I loved having maids and a cook and would love to have that again one day.

24. I have no idea how to cook, and would probably starve without take out and a microwave.

25. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and face. People who don't know me or have ever seen can still know the exact mood I am in.

Hope ya learned something new!

"Rock My World "

I have a few devotionals that are e-mailed to me daily as well as verses, comfort thoughts... I like to surround myself with God first thing in the morning. I find that it makes my day immensely better and puts me in the right mindset for the day. So to facilitate this, I have daily verses sent to my blackberry e-mail... they come in at exactly 11:37 every evening for the next day. Some nights I am still awake and I fight the urge to read it right when it chimes because I desire for it to be fresh, exciting and anticipatory when my alarm goes off first thing. Lord give me patience! I also have 2 different daily devotionals sent to my work e-mail every morning, because typically when I get to work and get everyone started on their treatments I log on and check e-mail and type up my morning reports. This gives me another God reminder within the first 2 hours of being awake. Talk about overloading myself with Godliness. I love it!!! There are days when one or both gets deleted without reading, on those days, I hate to admit it, I am usually so busy that I don't get to spend much time at the computer for personal improvement. I have noticed in those days, I tend to be a little more moody and sullen, the exact opposite of where I strive to be. God definitely has a profound hold of my emotions. All this being said Today only one devotional was deleted the second I felt drawn to... and as I read I knew why. It basically is my life and I wanted to share it. So here it is! It is from crosswalk ministries and written by Lysa TerKeurst.

Unsettle me.

These are the two words rattling about in my brain today. I almost wish it was a more glamorous prayer. Surely more eloquent words could be found for what I'm feeling led to pursue during this new year. But these are the words - this is the prayer for my 2009.

The funny thing is I've spent my whole existence trying to find a place to settle down, people to settle down with, and a spirit about me worthy of all this settled down-ness. All of this is good. A contented heart, thankful for its blessings is a good way to settle.

But there are areas of my life that have also settled that mock my desires to be godly woman - compromises if you will. Attitudes that I've wrapped in the lie, "Well, that's just how I am. And if that's all the bad that's in me, I'm doing pretty good."

I dare you, dear soul of mine, to notice the stark evidence of a spirit that is tainted and a heart that must be placed under the microscope of God's Word. Yes, indeed, unsettle me Lord.

Unearth that remnant of unforgiveness.

Shake loose that justification for harshness.

Reveal that broken shard of pride.

Expose that tendency to distrust.

Unsettle me in the best kind of way. For when I allow Your touch to reach the deepest parts of me - dark and dingy and hidden away too long - suddenly, a fresh wind of life twists and twirls and dances through my soul.

I can delight in forgiveness and love more deeply.

I can discover my gentle responses and find softer ways for my words to land.

I can recognize the beauty of humility and crave the intimacy with God it unleashes.

I can rest assured though harsh winds blow, I will be held.

Goodbye to my remnants, my justifications, shards, and tendencies. This is not who I am, nor who I was created to be.

Goodbye shallow love, sharp words, self-focus, and suspicious fears. I am an unsettled woman who no longer wishes to take part in your distractions or destructions.

Welcome deeper love, softer words, unleashed intimacy, and the certainty I am held.

Welcome my unsettled heart.

Welcome 2009

While I may not have written the exact 2 words... I have thought them and I truly desire for God to continue to shake things up and rock my world! What a blessing to know and hear someone else's desire for the same thing in their own life, and learn a way to invest myself in it even more. If this pertains to your life as well, join me in reading Hebrews over the next few weeks and see how God reveals himself to you. I'd love to hear about it and I am sure you readers will see how He is speaking to me!

emotional??? no, not me!

So as most of my friends know, I don't have tv. No its not because I think it rots your brain, and no its not because i'm to broke to have it... its because I am not home enough to watch it, and so I can't justify paying for it. Well I also am behind the time technology challenged and have no idea how rabbit ears and those digital converter box things work or how I would go about getting them and installing them.. and that is all okay with me b/c everything I want to watch with the exception of ESPN I can watch for free online and when it is convenient for me... so as usual Sunday nights are my show nights! and I love this, makes it a great way to unwind and relax from the weekend whether I have been working, playing, traveling whatever. its just couch cuddle time with Pixie and its great. Tonight however was a weird experience for me and I have no idea why it happened... but I watched 4 shows and by the end of each of them I was either in tears or tearing up... now I have no reason to , they were not horribly sad, disappointing, emotional endings and I'm not is a sad, depressed state... nor do I have any reason to be emotional. I am not an emotional person like this... now get me angry and you'll see emotional but i'm just not a crier so who knows...

unusual greatness

This week has been unusual as far as my schedule, and for someone who has an ever changing job and schedule that's saying a lot! But Monday while most of the free world had the day off to celebrate MLK I was sitting in meetings... no big deal they didn't pertain to me so I occupied myself with other tasks. I like scheduled "getting things done" time. I guess I should also mention that Sunday was a gorgeous day and warm, so Pixie and I layed out in the back yard after church... YaY! for sunshine and tanning in January!!! Maybe the beach isn't such a horrible place to be :) Monday night and Tuesday night I was blessed with a friend for dinner and some socializing which I cherished! And the food was great! Plus it gave me a chance to branch out, try some new places and just enjoy life. It's amazing what happens when you start hating your situation and you begin to take advantage of it instead. My mood has been so much more positive and I don't hate my life anymore. I also started a new bible study this week with my small group called RePurposed.. and I'm diggin it big time. Tonight there is more fabulousness instore... I have small group and I get to see one of my favorite friends down here! She has been gone so long I can't wait... plus everyone else who, once again, I am starting to accept and cherish. Woo Hoo Ok but yesterday all morning I spent all day watching kids pee sounds exciting right! haha not so much, ohh how I love drug testing... :) but the inaguration was better than I expected... and I was for the most part supportive of our new president. I actually liked and agreed with 95% of his speech... not bad for someone who was not enthused about him going into office. Today I am teaching labs all day I have the afternoon off, I have to go shopping for a dress for our Athletic Banquet tomorrow... hopefully my frugality can stay intact and I will find something adorable for a very adorable price haha... then small group! all positive, fun and exciting. Can't wait!!!

So I committed myself to a mission trip in Honduras. I am so excited. I truly feel God's blessing and pushing; so its done. Now I have to have trust that He is going to provide the funding and determination to see it though and I know with lots of prayer it can be accomplished. So I ask that you pray with me for trust, funding, support, love, and determination. I will be going with a group from my new church home and I am so very excited about this. I am through this becoming involved and committed to Parkway, and all the amazing possibilities there. God has been moving me to be involved and become a leader and open myself up more to learning, experiencing him, and his love thought some very amazing people. On the trip we will have the opportunity to work in medicine, education, possibly VBS, sports, house building, outreach to some of the mountain communities... I just can't wait to see how God is going to use all of us and our gifts he has blessed us with to reach out and build friendships, and help these amazing people!!!

In another topic altogether, Today has been an amazing, gorgeous day, and after I got home from church in love with the warmth provided by some amazing sun, I put on a swim suit and got my blanket and spend 3 amazing hours laying out in 70's degree weather soaking in the rays. I am determined to take advantage of being on the coast and work on my tan in January! I love it!!! and feel free to be jealous while you're bundled up in jackets and pants :)

Praising Jesus!!!

So today is a praise Jesus Day!!! It was an ordinary day, lovely fitness gram testing, paperwork, kids and treatments galore! but I just started out in a great mood and it lasted all day! Maybe this prayer and trusting it to work really is as amazing as I know it to be... YaY! I had a great run... by the way I signed up to do a triathlon and so I'm working my butt to get in shape and any prayers of encouragement, discipline, etc. are always welcome. :) Tomorrow is my day to ride my bike to work... we'll see how that works out!!! haha We had worship celebration at church and I always am in for over of an hour of praising Jesus through singing my little heart out! YaY again!!! I have met and am starting to really appreciate some really great people here... I know I never thought it would happen in a place like this, but again God works and when you are silent enough to hear him and willing to obey it's amazing how fast things start to turn around!!! I am really starting to believe the people in my life who have been telling me for years I am bipolar... except for one little thing; my trigger is God! When I keep him in my sights and in my heart, I am pretty much on cloud 9. When I allow stupid crap to shadow him, and become road blocks... I take little detours that start out me going sideways, eventually turning away and then always coming back. It is during those times that I am down, depressed, hating my life, and just in general not so pleasant. So pray that God can stay in my eyes and my heart and that I can be a joy to others in order to share Him. I believe that when I am the bubbly self that God inspires me to be I have the ability to be a great witness which all comes from His grace! But its those dark times that I am afraid I turn people away from Him and I am afraid i will pay for that. SO I ask for prayer b/c I know through him and as many prayers and I can get God and I will keep our relationship going strong. I was told today that to guys I am unreachable because not only do I have an earthly father to protect and discourage men, but that I have an God gate surrounding me and God is protecting me. This was said in not disgust, but maybe disappointment.... but I really liked it. I love that God protects me and is preparing me for the exact right man and He will not let anything get in the way of that. So Praise Jesus for that Iron Gate!!! I am so excited for all my friends getting married this year and I can't wait to be there for all of them, I think the count is now officially up to 8 in the next 6 months!! woo hoo!!! I love you all and I can't wait! So I am off to bed in the best mood I have been in, in a very long time! Praise Jesus!

New Tricks

"Faith is trusting God no matter how impossible the odds are" I have questioned so many times, not God and not what he has done for me or not done for me, but my own Faith. I mentioned previously that I don't understand trust and to me faith is an extension of trust. Not completely and I know there is more to it than that but without trust how can you have faith? According to Merriam-Webster Faith is a: firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2): complete trust (3): something that is believed especially with strong conviction. Well I believe in God and I believe he is my savior and my salvation! but wait here is that complete trust.... I trust that I believe that, and I trust His word is His word, and parts of my life I have no problem giving to him, but those are the easy parts, the parts I don't think about and contemplate everyday... those are the parts that I have trouble giving control up to Him. Why? I don't know... I know He could do a better job with my life than I ever could think about... and if I know this why don't I give up control.. I ask for His guidance, His direction, His way, and I try to follow that... when the question is big... but the daily little things those I don't turn to Him for. and aren't those even more important that the big ones that come around every once in a while... aren't they the ones that form who and where I am ?? How do you teach a dog new tricks? I want to learn new tricks, I want to seek his guidance with every step and every move... I am making that decision to try. They say it takes a month to learn new habits, so for the next month this is my goal.

snooze button

The last week I have been feeling more and more unlike myself, and realizing where I have been isn't what I want. So why do I keep behaving so... I don't know, but I realise there are many more things I don't know! I have been feeling like I'm here and living my life, but only going through the motions. I have not been "in" my life. I feel as if I haven't been "in love" with God, and I am not sure how to be. I believe in him, but trust, love, commitment, I don't know these words. What do they mean? What do they look like? Is there an action that goes with them or are they just descriptions? if so descriptions of what? My heart? my mind? the "whole" me?

I feel as if I am living my life lukewarm... I am not fully a part of anything, confused as to where I fit in, and where I belong. I want to be on fire in my life. I want to be passionate about God, but how do I get there? I thought once I was, and maybe that's true, but where did the Passion go? Was it real? How do I get it back? Am I like the church of Sardis? Spiritually dead appearing to be alive? I feel as if God is speaking to me directly through John and the book of relevation, saying "wake up!" Strengthen what little remains, for even what is left is almost dead. I find that your actions do not meet the requirements of my God. Go back to what you heard and believed at first: hold on to it firmly. Repent and turn to me again. If you don't wake up, I will come to you suddenly, as unexpected as a thief" Relevation 3:2-3 the question is how do you wake up? I just keep hitting the snooze button... laying in bed only half awake.

The "better"

A very good friend of mine has a saying she learned from her mother... "you are never going to arrive so live your life" She reminded me of this in her own blog yesterday, and it is something I have been thinking of ever since. See in my own life, I have this problem. I am never satisfied. I always want something more, something better, to make myself better. Now this does not mean always physical things... in fact more often than not, it is emotional, mental, and spiritually that I strive for this "more." I believe this to come from my childhood, where nothing was good enough. Everything could be done better, and any attempt made could have had more effort put into it. Now I am not blaming my childhood for making my life difficult, in fact I cherish that I have ambition and determination because of this childhood lesson. The problem is that when I reach a point in my life that many would view as accomplished, and cherish reaching this point I am not satisfied. I do not feel it is where I need to be, it is not my place. This is fine, God has us forever learning and growing and that I love. The problem lies in that I wonder if I will ever be satisfied with anything I am given. I have a hard time appreciating what I have because of this "better" and that frightens me. Will I ever meet my husband, or will I pass him by because of this "better" will I ever reach a point in my career where I am pleased with what I have done? or will this "better" continue to push me. This push would be great if I knew how to channel the "better" to where I am... but this is just not the case.... and I have no idea why, but to think that God has something better in mind for me. It is interesting that when things don't work out, that is a statement of hope often mentioned. When an engagement is broken, when a job is lost etc. Well I am staying positive because God has something better for me... so why do I look down on it?

crazy mixed up little ol' me

So the past month has proved to be a very interesting mess. At the beginning of December, I was stuck in a rut. I was excited about the holidays to be sure, and yet my mood was still down. So down, I was creating drama within myself. I was holding grudges, not forgiving people I should.. I mean family is always supposed to be forgiven, but often I find they are the ones that I hold grudges against the longest. I guess I feel they should know me and they should know better than to commit whatever atrocity I believe they have committed. That being said, all has been forgiven and life will continue to happen as it did around me even though, at times, I was oblivious because it was consuming me.
Not only was I in the dumps about that, but I was once again feeling downtrodden with work and the people (mostly the students) I am surrounded by everyday. My students had they bi-semester hate-fest with me and brought some parts of myself to light... While I would have liked it handled differently, I can after long reflecting, that SOME of their complaints may be true. I do tend to be moody I'm a girl it's my prerogative... but I need to work on taking said mood out on the people around me... I get it. Their other complaints involved me being who I am and are part of why I believe God brought me here.
God wanted to teach me a lot.. and I needed it. When I get a calling to do something, I want to do it now! and while my heart said I am ready NOW! the rest of me wasn't. I am still learning a lot about myself and I believe to live is to learn, and if your not learning your not living. Learning has definitely been happening a lot lately and I want it to continue, maybe if I quit being so hard headed God won't have to keep trying to teach me the same things over and over, because honestly with every attempt they get harder and harder.
So to the mess, it has definitely been fun/interesting/different, with only a few exceptions... problem is I am not paying for them. So I went to a great party with some great friends whom I cherish and the people I have met through them are wonderful people as well. For this I am truly blessed... I often forget this b/c they now live so far away, but I am. The Party was great, except I let the habits from my life during the hiatus of walking with God peak through just a little bit. But innocent kissing... whats the harm except when there are multiple guys being kissed in one night.. oops!
The next weekend, was exciting for different reasons.. i was getting to leave town again! ugh another 8 hr drive, but this time i was getting to leave for 2 weeks!!! and ti was expected to be 2 weeks full of friends and family I couldn't wait. Also, There was Oysterfest, a party which had been talked up since taking the job here in wonderful Port Lavaca but the coach who hosts it, and the rest of the coaching staff. Needless to say, I was excited, I love a good party. The party was fun, I ate my first oyster ever, not too bad, but they were BBQ'd and I am not sure I am ready to venture to the raw ones yet.... :? Call me naive but I had no idea about the pretense that comes with eating oysters... until that night. Oh the things my coaching staff enlightens me about. I am sure a reminiscent post will ensue some day soon. So after the party a friend, and I use the term loosely, asked if i wanted to come hang out... well sure what harm can happen, he knows me, knows where i stand, and is a nice guy. We've hung out a lot nothing has ever happened, and again my naivety led to disaster. This time was a little different. It started out like any other time we hung out, watching football, chatting ya know normal friend activities. As I said earlier, I felt like I could trust this guy a little (if you know me you know I don't really fully trust anyone)and we have had personal conversations before. No big deal! Well it was late, and somehow I was leaning on his shoulder while sitting on the couch talking.... again an action I didn't think twice about. Well I guess I fell asleep. I vaguely remember him telling me to go to bed. Next thing I know, I wake up like 2 hours later in his bed with him. I have no idea about how i got there and got freaked and left. Imagine that. Left town the next morning and have suppressed this whole night.
I get to my parents house the next evening after playing Santa to my favorite family in Tyler... I really love those kids (shocking!) and of course their parents. I always enjoy my time with them and can't get enough of it!!! Once in Shreveport, my mom and I went shopping, then the parentals went to New Orleans to see my sister and her husband. Great i get to spend more time alone... I had plans of working out, and shopping, seeing all my friends, enjoying life with no commitments except to feed the dogs. Simple! Well, the working out didn't really happen, it was cold and rainy yuck!, the shopping of course did b/c well I believe shopping should be it's own sport, and friends, well they all still were working so no time for me. No biggie, I still enjoyed the time to myself (i guess it was the venue). Parents come back we have Christmas, and a few more mom sponsored shopping trips, and dad fixing my car to the detriment of my planned friend time in Tyler. I did however get to see my swim buddy and her fiance and that of course was great. Then it was time to get excited and packed for NYE in New Orleans!!! WOO HOO!
If you didn't know NYE is my 2nd favorite holiday after my Birthday of course! So Better than Ezra House of Blues, My flight attendant friend from High School and I were pumped! We get there, check in the hotel, get cute and to the Quarter we go. Once there, after wandering around trying to locate the House of Blues (I always get so lost there) we get there eat, and finally it time to get in tot he concert.. Woo Hoo!!! Walking in the door i met a guy who asked if I had ever heard Graham Col ton (the opening act ) which I had not, well he joined Friend and I to the bar with his friend, and the rest was set. navy boy and I spent the rest of the night together at the concert and New Years kisses were had! Innocent of course! Just a fun night with fun people. We added each other on Facebook and pictures have been shared. Well after the concert, I was not ready to go to bed and neither was he... so off to the bar at his hotel we headed.. well I never saw the bar as we ended up upstairs... some making out and cuddling was had. I went to my own Hotel sometime later that morning got a few hours of sleep, got up and had to fly then drive to get home. needless to say thanks to the open bar at the concert, new years day was a very LOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNGGGGG day!!!!!
Now being back the boys have stopped (at least for a while) although some communication with navy boy is happening. The drinking has not yet stopped, but is slowing down considerably.... the partying like a college kid... well, I need to get my life back to where it needs to be with GOD and That is NOT it!!! Parting can be fine, but the out of controlness from the past month... probably not portraying the best Christ like life. So Pray that God will continue to work through me, show me the way, the path He wants, and how to not stray from it. I realize that God is my reason for being here and trying to seek and find him needs to be my main focus.. So hopefully from now on, this is what you'll be reading here. My struggles and triumphs in this task!!!