distinct family

Families are odd aren't they? My, I guess he's a, great uncle's (my mom's uncle) memorial was this week as he passed the end of last week. It was something we all knew was coming and were actually surprised he held on as long as he did but it is non the less very sad, but a blessing he is no longer suffering. I wish I could have made it up to be with the rest of the family, but work and lack of funding prevented this. I got to thinking about family dynamics, and realized how odd my family truly is.

A good friend of mine recently went to not one but 2 possibly 3 memorials for her step-grandmothers ( a lady she hasn't spoken to in years) and her whole family was pulled closer together for these events. In my life, I have not attended any family members funerals. Both of my fathers parents are deceased, But I did not even know about his father passing (nor did the rest of my immediate family) for over a month after the fact, so no surprise we didn't attend. His mother passed I am not sure when, as I didn't receive notice about that one either. To say we are not close to that side of the family is an understatement. My fathers brother also passed, prior to his father by a few months and again we had no idea. In fact we found out about them both at the same time. I believe that is all on his side of the family but I could be wrong and not even know about it.
On my mothers side, my uncle died the day I graduated high school, what a way to celebrate! But I could not attend any memorial for that one either. I have had other what I believe to be great uncles and aunts pass on that side of the family, and have not even thought about attending nor has my parents. I am not really sure the reasoning behind why not, but it just proves to me how my family is okay with providing financial support, and prayer support only, and until recently I did not realize there was a problem with that. As I grow, and learn, it has come to my attention that family is so much more that that. I understand we are spread across the country, but all my family can be reached with a day and a 1/2's drive if needed. It has always seemed odd to me that I have never met my 1st cousins (any of the 5) and out of my second cousins I only really know 4, and only truly know 2 of those 4.
It's no wonder that I am so independent. I don't have any model of anything else.

days of beauty

So the past few days have been absolutely gorgeous... until today.. which is a humid crazy yucky day! (good thing I have to work and can't enjoy it anyways) But previously, I have this week enjoyed laying out on my lunch break with Pixie, a nice run in the park with pixie, and yesterday a nice bike ride in the park with pixie... yes my dog goes just about everywhere with me these days and she loves it! I have to admit the bike ride part is the cutest.. she fits in my Camel Back and rides with her head poking out of the top.... occationally barking at whatever we pass.. the ducks, other people, the baseball game, squirels, whatever she sees... it is actually quite amusing.. and everyone (people wise at least) are quite humored by her on my back while riding intensely working on training... Now today I am quite sore.... from my at least 100 crunches a day, Belky has forced me into doing... to the running, and the biking my legs are rebelling a bit... I need to find a pool soon!!! God is truly blessing me on my days off with days of beauty to enjoy and take advantage of and for that I could not be more thankful!

Committments: Over or Under

So it's dawned on me today that I have committed myself to many events that require funding.. and while they are all for a good cause, I may be planning on taxing my friends out... not a good thing. See I have registered first for "the livestrong challenge" which is a bike race (you may have guessed that) in Austin (again) and hosted by Lance Armstrong (yet again) and to participate in this event is $250 minimum. But it's for a good cause right? Ok so Done. Signed up, ready to ride... except I need to be training more or I'm going to die. Well this race isn't until October of 2009 so I have some time to collect.
Then I am answering God's calling and traveling with a group from my church to Honduras this summer. I can absolutely NOT Wait! I have been wanting to go on more missions for a long time, and have been feeling God tug on my heart to go.. and finally He said it is time and has opened the doors. This trip is $1500 Not too bad for a week of getting to do the Lords work and it is so definitely worth it!
Well about a week ago, I received an e-mail from a teacher at the school I work for asking me to be on the school's Relay for Life team. Of course I said yes without hesitation... ohh wait I have to raise money for that too... Oh well I'm committed now! I have a feeling with these three things God will provide first and foremost, I will loose some weight (Praise Jesus!) , and I will be motivated to train a little and work out. After all hiking in the mountains of Honduras, riding in a long bike race, and relay for life which I am setting a personal goal of running a good bit of, well I have got to get started early right.
I just find it so funny, because I have so many friends who are so non-committal it isn't even funny and then there is me, and if it involves doing good for someone else, raising money to help a cause, of funding research well I'm on board... to the point of double booking myself at times... Someone help me from saying YES! ahhh

"They conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they did not love their lives in the face of death" Rev 12:11

Of course this verse is referring to Satan in the form of a Dragon in the heavens... But do I defeat him here on earth every day through the same way? Is my love and trust in the Lord strong enough to conquer him through the little things daily. I say yes! but I wonder if that is not just lip service. I have found myself questioning myself lately about the truth of my feelings, are they true or just what I am trying to convince myself I should have. Should I have to try to convince myself of Love to my Father? Do I treat him as I do my own father or better... sadly the answer is yes, which goes to say I probably don't treat either of them the way I should. WOW! I'm a bad daughter! But it is what I know? Does God fault me for that, that I give him what I know and treat him through the only love I have to base the concept of LOVE on?
In my family love is a thing we say, we occasionally show, and always feel. I don't know how to truly show love, I feel it, but it gets pushed on the back burner unless put directly in my face to face it. How does one change this? I have a tinglie sensation... and its telling me this is why I keep others at bay, why I don't have closeness in my life.. wait I've been told this by some of the people I consider being closest to. I don't show them I care. There are so many people I cherish in my life, andI would do anything for, but do they know this? Unless there has been a reason for me to demonstrate it, no they probably don't. and I hate to say it, but in my life, the best way I know to demonstrate love is through things, money, and then actions. This in my relationship with my heavenly Father, and means I tend to live a legalistic life, and I just hope and pray that he can read my true heart and know what is there... b/c I don't know how to change. I desire to and ask for his help. I try, but I feel I am a failure b/c I am told so, I see it though the actions of the close people in my life, they do not most of the time think of me as a close person in theirs, which hurts me more than I can tell you but I know I probably deserve just that. But in reality it just makes me push them further away b/c I don't want to get hurt further by them... thus leading me to a life of solitude... how can I want from them what I have no idea to give. Treat people as we want to be treated... humm... but I don't know how I want to be treated until it happens.. and then I make a snap judgement and well basically I just suck!