unusual greatness

This week has been unusual as far as my schedule, and for someone who has an ever changing job and schedule that's saying a lot! But Monday while most of the free world had the day off to celebrate MLK I was sitting in meetings... no big deal they didn't pertain to me so I occupied myself with other tasks. I like scheduled "getting things done" time. I guess I should also mention that Sunday was a gorgeous day and warm, so Pixie and I layed out in the back yard after church... YaY! for sunshine and tanning in January!!! Maybe the beach isn't such a horrible place to be :) Monday night and Tuesday night I was blessed with a friend for dinner and some socializing which I cherished! And the food was great! Plus it gave me a chance to branch out, try some new places and just enjoy life. It's amazing what happens when you start hating your situation and you begin to take advantage of it instead. My mood has been so much more positive and I don't hate my life anymore. I also started a new bible study this week with my small group called RePurposed.. and I'm diggin it big time. Tonight there is more fabulousness instore... I have small group and I get to see one of my favorite friends down here! She has been gone so long I can't wait... plus everyone else who, once again, I am starting to accept and cherish. Woo Hoo Ok but yesterday all morning I spent all day watching kids pee sounds exciting right! haha not so much, ohh how I love drug testing... :) but the inaguration was better than I expected... and I was for the most part supportive of our new president. I actually liked and agreed with 95% of his speech... not bad for someone who was not enthused about him going into office. Today I am teaching labs all day I have the afternoon off, I have to go shopping for a dress for our Athletic Banquet tomorrow... hopefully my frugality can stay intact and I will find something adorable for a very adorable price haha... then small group! all positive, fun and exciting. Can't wait!!!

So I committed myself to a mission trip in Honduras. I am so excited. I truly feel God's blessing and pushing; so its done. Now I have to have trust that He is going to provide the funding and determination to see it though and I know with lots of prayer it can be accomplished. So I ask that you pray with me for trust, funding, support, love, and determination. I will be going with a group from my new church home and I am so very excited about this. I am through this becoming involved and committed to Parkway, and all the amazing possibilities there. God has been moving me to be involved and become a leader and open myself up more to learning, experiencing him, and his love thought some very amazing people. On the trip we will have the opportunity to work in medicine, education, possibly VBS, sports, house building, outreach to some of the mountain communities... I just can't wait to see how God is going to use all of us and our gifts he has blessed us with to reach out and build friendships, and help these amazing people!!!

In another topic altogether, Today has been an amazing, gorgeous day, and after I got home from church in love with the warmth provided by some amazing sun, I put on a swim suit and got my blanket and spend 3 amazing hours laying out in 70's degree weather soaking in the rays. I am determined to take advantage of being on the coast and work on my tan in January! I love it!!! and feel free to be jealous while you're bundled up in jackets and pants :)

Praising Jesus!!!

So today is a praise Jesus Day!!! It was an ordinary day, lovely fitness gram testing, paperwork, kids and treatments galore! but I just started out in a great mood and it lasted all day! Maybe this prayer and trusting it to work really is as amazing as I know it to be... YaY! I had a great run... by the way I signed up to do a triathlon and so I'm working my butt to get in shape and any prayers of encouragement, discipline, etc. are always welcome. :) Tomorrow is my day to ride my bike to work... we'll see how that works out!!! haha We had worship celebration at church and I always am in for over of an hour of praising Jesus through singing my little heart out! YaY again!!! I have met and am starting to really appreciate some really great people here... I know I never thought it would happen in a place like this, but again God works and when you are silent enough to hear him and willing to obey it's amazing how fast things start to turn around!!! I am really starting to believe the people in my life who have been telling me for years I am bipolar... except for one little thing; my trigger is God! When I keep him in my sights and in my heart, I am pretty much on cloud 9. When I allow stupid crap to shadow him, and become road blocks... I take little detours that start out me going sideways, eventually turning away and then always coming back. It is during those times that I am down, depressed, hating my life, and just in general not so pleasant. So pray that God can stay in my eyes and my heart and that I can be a joy to others in order to share Him. I believe that when I am the bubbly self that God inspires me to be I have the ability to be a great witness which all comes from His grace! But its those dark times that I am afraid I turn people away from Him and I am afraid i will pay for that. SO I ask for prayer b/c I know through him and as many prayers and I can get God and I will keep our relationship going strong. I was told today that to guys I am unreachable because not only do I have an earthly father to protect and discourage men, but that I have an God gate surrounding me and God is protecting me. This was said in not disgust, but maybe disappointment.... but I really liked it. I love that God protects me and is preparing me for the exact right man and He will not let anything get in the way of that. So Praise Jesus for that Iron Gate!!! I am so excited for all my friends getting married this year and I can't wait to be there for all of them, I think the count is now officially up to 8 in the next 6 months!! woo hoo!!! I love you all and I can't wait! So I am off to bed in the best mood I have been in, in a very long time! Praise Jesus!

New Tricks

"Faith is trusting God no matter how impossible the odds are" I have questioned so many times, not God and not what he has done for me or not done for me, but my own Faith. I mentioned previously that I don't understand trust and to me faith is an extension of trust. Not completely and I know there is more to it than that but without trust how can you have faith? According to Merriam-Webster Faith is a: firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2): complete trust (3): something that is believed especially with strong conviction. Well I believe in God and I believe he is my savior and my salvation! but wait here is that complete trust.... I trust that I believe that, and I trust His word is His word, and parts of my life I have no problem giving to him, but those are the easy parts, the parts I don't think about and contemplate everyday... those are the parts that I have trouble giving control up to Him. Why? I don't know... I know He could do a better job with my life than I ever could think about... and if I know this why don't I give up control.. I ask for His guidance, His direction, His way, and I try to follow that... when the question is big... but the daily little things those I don't turn to Him for. and aren't those even more important that the big ones that come around every once in a while... aren't they the ones that form who and where I am ?? How do you teach a dog new tricks? I want to learn new tricks, I want to seek his guidance with every step and every move... I am making that decision to try. They say it takes a month to learn new habits, so for the next month this is my goal.

snooze button

The last week I have been feeling more and more unlike myself, and realizing where I have been isn't what I want. So why do I keep behaving so... I don't know, but I realise there are many more things I don't know! I have been feeling like I'm here and living my life, but only going through the motions. I have not been "in" my life. I feel as if I haven't been "in love" with God, and I am not sure how to be. I believe in him, but trust, love, commitment, I don't know these words. What do they mean? What do they look like? Is there an action that goes with them or are they just descriptions? if so descriptions of what? My heart? my mind? the "whole" me?

I feel as if I am living my life lukewarm... I am not fully a part of anything, confused as to where I fit in, and where I belong. I want to be on fire in my life. I want to be passionate about God, but how do I get there? I thought once I was, and maybe that's true, but where did the Passion go? Was it real? How do I get it back? Am I like the church of Sardis? Spiritually dead appearing to be alive? I feel as if God is speaking to me directly through John and the book of relevation, saying "wake up!" Strengthen what little remains, for even what is left is almost dead. I find that your actions do not meet the requirements of my God. Go back to what you heard and believed at first: hold on to it firmly. Repent and turn to me again. If you don't wake up, I will come to you suddenly, as unexpected as a thief" Relevation 3:2-3 the question is how do you wake up? I just keep hitting the snooze button... laying in bed only half awake.

The "better"

A very good friend of mine has a saying she learned from her mother... "you are never going to arrive so live your life" She reminded me of this in her own blog yesterday, and it is something I have been thinking of ever since. See in my own life, I have this problem. I am never satisfied. I always want something more, something better, to make myself better. Now this does not mean always physical things... in fact more often than not, it is emotional, mental, and spiritually that I strive for this "more." I believe this to come from my childhood, where nothing was good enough. Everything could be done better, and any attempt made could have had more effort put into it. Now I am not blaming my childhood for making my life difficult, in fact I cherish that I have ambition and determination because of this childhood lesson. The problem is that when I reach a point in my life that many would view as accomplished, and cherish reaching this point I am not satisfied. I do not feel it is where I need to be, it is not my place. This is fine, God has us forever learning and growing and that I love. The problem lies in that I wonder if I will ever be satisfied with anything I am given. I have a hard time appreciating what I have because of this "better" and that frightens me. Will I ever meet my husband, or will I pass him by because of this "better" will I ever reach a point in my career where I am pleased with what I have done? or will this "better" continue to push me. This push would be great if I knew how to channel the "better" to where I am... but this is just not the case.... and I have no idea why, but to think that God has something better in mind for me. It is interesting that when things don't work out, that is a statement of hope often mentioned. When an engagement is broken, when a job is lost etc. Well I am staying positive because God has something better for me... so why do I look down on it?

crazy mixed up little ol' me

So the past month has proved to be a very interesting mess. At the beginning of December, I was stuck in a rut. I was excited about the holidays to be sure, and yet my mood was still down. So down, I was creating drama within myself. I was holding grudges, not forgiving people I should.. I mean family is always supposed to be forgiven, but often I find they are the ones that I hold grudges against the longest. I guess I feel they should know me and they should know better than to commit whatever atrocity I believe they have committed. That being said, all has been forgiven and life will continue to happen as it did around me even though, at times, I was oblivious because it was consuming me.
Not only was I in the dumps about that, but I was once again feeling downtrodden with work and the people (mostly the students) I am surrounded by everyday. My students had they bi-semester hate-fest with me and brought some parts of myself to light... While I would have liked it handled differently, I can after long reflecting, that SOME of their complaints may be true. I do tend to be moody I'm a girl it's my prerogative... but I need to work on taking said mood out on the people around me... I get it. Their other complaints involved me being who I am and are part of why I believe God brought me here.
God wanted to teach me a lot.. and I needed it. When I get a calling to do something, I want to do it now! and while my heart said I am ready NOW! the rest of me wasn't. I am still learning a lot about myself and I believe to live is to learn, and if your not learning your not living. Learning has definitely been happening a lot lately and I want it to continue, maybe if I quit being so hard headed God won't have to keep trying to teach me the same things over and over, because honestly with every attempt they get harder and harder.
So to the mess, it has definitely been fun/interesting/different, with only a few exceptions... problem is I am not paying for them. So I went to a great party with some great friends whom I cherish and the people I have met through them are wonderful people as well. For this I am truly blessed... I often forget this b/c they now live so far away, but I am. The Party was great, except I let the habits from my life during the hiatus of walking with God peak through just a little bit. But innocent kissing... whats the harm except when there are multiple guys being kissed in one night.. oops!
The next weekend, was exciting for different reasons.. i was getting to leave town again! ugh another 8 hr drive, but this time i was getting to leave for 2 weeks!!! and ti was expected to be 2 weeks full of friends and family I couldn't wait. Also, There was Oysterfest, a party which had been talked up since taking the job here in wonderful Port Lavaca but the coach who hosts it, and the rest of the coaching staff. Needless to say, I was excited, I love a good party. The party was fun, I ate my first oyster ever, not too bad, but they were BBQ'd and I am not sure I am ready to venture to the raw ones yet.... :? Call me naive but I had no idea about the pretense that comes with eating oysters... until that night. Oh the things my coaching staff enlightens me about. I am sure a reminiscent post will ensue some day soon. So after the party a friend, and I use the term loosely, asked if i wanted to come hang out... well sure what harm can happen, he knows me, knows where i stand, and is a nice guy. We've hung out a lot nothing has ever happened, and again my naivety led to disaster. This time was a little different. It started out like any other time we hung out, watching football, chatting ya know normal friend activities. As I said earlier, I felt like I could trust this guy a little (if you know me you know I don't really fully trust anyone)and we have had personal conversations before. No big deal! Well it was late, and somehow I was leaning on his shoulder while sitting on the couch talking.... again an action I didn't think twice about. Well I guess I fell asleep. I vaguely remember him telling me to go to bed. Next thing I know, I wake up like 2 hours later in his bed with him. I have no idea about how i got there and got freaked and left. Imagine that. Left town the next morning and have suppressed this whole night.
I get to my parents house the next evening after playing Santa to my favorite family in Tyler... I really love those kids (shocking!) and of course their parents. I always enjoy my time with them and can't get enough of it!!! Once in Shreveport, my mom and I went shopping, then the parentals went to New Orleans to see my sister and her husband. Great i get to spend more time alone... I had plans of working out, and shopping, seeing all my friends, enjoying life with no commitments except to feed the dogs. Simple! Well, the working out didn't really happen, it was cold and rainy yuck!, the shopping of course did b/c well I believe shopping should be it's own sport, and friends, well they all still were working so no time for me. No biggie, I still enjoyed the time to myself (i guess it was the venue). Parents come back we have Christmas, and a few more mom sponsored shopping trips, and dad fixing my car to the detriment of my planned friend time in Tyler. I did however get to see my swim buddy and her fiance and that of course was great. Then it was time to get excited and packed for NYE in New Orleans!!! WOO HOO!
If you didn't know NYE is my 2nd favorite holiday after my Birthday of course! So Better than Ezra House of Blues, My flight attendant friend from High School and I were pumped! We get there, check in the hotel, get cute and to the Quarter we go. Once there, after wandering around trying to locate the House of Blues (I always get so lost there) we get there eat, and finally it time to get in tot he concert.. Woo Hoo!!! Walking in the door i met a guy who asked if I had ever heard Graham Col ton (the opening act ) which I had not, well he joined Friend and I to the bar with his friend, and the rest was set. navy boy and I spent the rest of the night together at the concert and New Years kisses were had! Innocent of course! Just a fun night with fun people. We added each other on Facebook and pictures have been shared. Well after the concert, I was not ready to go to bed and neither was he... so off to the bar at his hotel we headed.. well I never saw the bar as we ended up upstairs... some making out and cuddling was had. I went to my own Hotel sometime later that morning got a few hours of sleep, got up and had to fly then drive to get home. needless to say thanks to the open bar at the concert, new years day was a very LOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNGGGGG day!!!!!
Now being back the boys have stopped (at least for a while) although some communication with navy boy is happening. The drinking has not yet stopped, but is slowing down considerably.... the partying like a college kid... well, I need to get my life back to where it needs to be with GOD and That is NOT it!!! Parting can be fine, but the out of controlness from the past month... probably not portraying the best Christ like life. So Pray that God will continue to work through me, show me the way, the path He wants, and how to not stray from it. I realize that God is my reason for being here and trying to seek and find him needs to be my main focus.. So hopefully from now on, this is what you'll be reading here. My struggles and triumphs in this task!!!